Your last-ditch guide to election cliches

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The Independent Online
What kind of an election has this been as far as cliches are concerned?

A bad one. They have come thick and fast.

In what have these cliches come?

In droves.

Are the politicians wholly to blame?

No. The media must also bear.

What must they bear?

The brunt.

The brunt of what?

The blame.

But now the election battle is almost over?

Yes. We are now almost in sight of that stick stuck in the ground to signify the end of the race.

What stick might that be?

The winning post.

But to get to the winning post, what bend-free area do we first have to cover?

The home straight.

After that the winner will be home.

He will.

What else will he be, apart from home?

Dry. Home and dry.

Who does everyone expect to win?

Labour.

Barring what?

A last-minute upset.

What would that be?

A miracle now.

By what geological freak is Labour expected to win?

A landslide.

And if they don't, what will we have on our hands?

A major upset.

And the biggest surprise since who beat who?

Truman beat Dewey.

Good. If Labour do win, will it be prettily?

No, it will be handsomely.

Will it be a dirty sweep?

No. A clean sweep.

But if Labour don't win, what then?

Well, I suppose the Tories will win.

No, no, I mean that if the Tories win, it will be a turn-up for something, won't it?

Yes, sorry. Turn-up for the book.

And one in which optical organ?

One in the eye ...

For whom?

For the pundits.

Who will have to eat a folk dish known as ...?

Humble pie?

Good. By whom are these pundits appointed.

By no one. Or rather, by themselves. They are self-appointed pundits.

Exactly. Although the newspapers are their ...

I think so. Have the newspapers themselves declared which party they are in favour of?

Oh, yes. They have all nailed their colours.

To which important part of the boat have they nailed their colours?

The mast.

To what are they flocking?

Mr Blair's standard.

Has John Major given up?

Never. He will not give in till the bitter end. He says that it is all to play for. There are some things he will never say.

Such as?

Die. He will never say die.

But surely even John Major knows that 10 Downing Street will soon have a new something?

A new tenant?

Correct. In what internal organ does Mr Major know this?

His heart of hearts.

But he will not give up ...

Without a battle royal? Without a fight to the death?

Yes, yes, we know that. But when will he not give up?

Oh, I see. He will not give up until the eleventh hour.

Later.

His dying breath?

Not as late as that.

The final whistle?

Excellent. So is it all over?

Yes.

Bar something?

Sorry - bar the shouting.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

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