Hitler and Stalin are backing Mugabe

In an election in which Hitler and Stalin are fighting on the same side, it is no wonder that Zimbabwe's 5.5 million voters - who go to the polls this weekend - are a little confused.

In an election in which Hitler and Stalin are fighting on the same side, it is no wonder that Zimbabwe's 5.5 million voters - who go to the polls this weekend - are a little confused.

Uniquely in the history of elections, Zimbabweans will have the choice between candidates whose names have been borrowed from a panoply of world figures. President Robert Mugabe's Zimbabwe African National Union - Patriotic Front (Zanu-PF), in power for 20 years and determined to stay there, has amassed all the baddies.

Foremost among them is Chenjerai Hitler Hunzvi, a parliamentary candidate and leader of the war veterans who have occupied more than 1,000 commercial farms in the past four months. Amnesty International claims the Polish-trained medical doctor has a torture chamber at his practice in a Harare hospital. Dr Hunzvi, who insists his middle name should not be used in inverted commas because he received it at birth, has a deputy called Agripa Gaba.

Also among Zanu-PF's candidates is the boxer-turned-promoter Stalin Mau Mau - a combination that draws both on Soviet and Kenyan terror. Andthere is not just punch in Mr Mau Mau's name; the corpulent candidate is a former commonwealth flyweight champion.

Even though Zanu-PF's war veterans at one point used a spokesman called Peace, both the ruling party and their warriors seem more comfortable with scary names.

Indeed, President Mugabe likes to remind us that during the struggle against white rule, the former Rhodesian leader, Ian Smith, referred to him as the "Black Hitler'' or "Stalin''.

As if fate had played a hand, the most fearsome name the opposition Movement for Democratic Change has to offer is that of its economic spokesman, Eddie Cross - an affable man.

Among the spokesmen for the MDC's leader, Morgan Tsvangirai, are Silent Dube, Learnmore Jongwe and Moses Nyarota. His political adviser recently emerged from the shadows of humility and his name is Gandhi. Well, nearly: Gandi Mudzingwa.