Creativity: The Titanic Experience, or Britannia waves the rules
Tuesday 26 July 1994
Britannia ruling the waves was another popular theme. To that end, Paul McHugh suggested turning it into a floating hairdressing salon, while, more cumbersomely, James McLaren anchors it firmly to the bottom of the English Channel, with tide-measuring lines - 'wave-rules' - painted on the side. We prefer his other idea, which envisages using it as an office for the people rebuilding Windsor Castle.
'Crash it into Jupiter,' says David Nichols, topically, 'so that astronomers can pay millions of dollars in order to obtain a photograph of a faint blur.'
Geoffrey Langley has a different commercial application in mind involving a shallow lake, some powerful pumps and a polystyrene iceberg to create 'The Titanic Experience', twice daily, which he says could be 'number two in a series of Great British Cock-ups, between the Tay Bridge and the First World War.'
'Moored in the Thames outside the Palace of Westminster,' continues Mr Langley, 'It could be used as an overflow terrace for the negotiation of consultancies.' 'Moored in the Thames outside the Palace of Westminster,' says Mr McHugh, 'Britannia would make an ideal replacement for the old GLC, with Ken Livingstone and his merry band democratically lurking, guns at the ready.'
Floating voters cropped up in several suggestions, but only Edward Rimmer suggested that the yacht should be 'privatised and floated on the Stock Exchange'.
Mark Walmsley and Louise Wilcocks suggested a floating marriage guidance bureau, floating mosque and floating colonic irrigation centre.
Crispin Birch thoughfully offers it as a floating holiday home for Yorkshire terriers abused by Creativity readers. Mollie Caird wants it preserved as a floating research
station to allow the exploration of Creativity suggestions in laboratory conditions. Stuart Cockerill sees it as a barnacle sanctuary.
Robbie Jones proposed fitting it with wheels to go to and fro through the Channel tunnel 'for those who prefer going to Paris by boat'. Paul Clark suggests removing the bow section and placing it upright in Sydney harbour as an extension to the Opera House.
'Hammer down the superstructure and turn it into an aircraft carrier,' says Matthew Seligman belligerently, though he admits the idea is a bit silly. His other ideas include giving it to Jeffrey Archer to play with in his bath, giving it to Greece in payment for the Elgin marbles, and giving it away in the National Lottery.
Next week, we shall be reporting on the many things you can do with the surplus apostrophes from greengrocers' stalls (sorry, I think that should read 'stall's'). Meanwhile, we'd like you to think about Venetian blinds. Any uses for these elegant and versatile structures will be most welcome at: Creativity, The Independent, 40 City Road, London EC1Y 2DB.
As Voltaire once said, “Ice cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn’t illegal”
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