Flat Earth

Dear Leader tale is full of holes

RATHER mysteriously, the sports editors were not interested in this tale of golfing greatness from Pyongyang. The duty thus falls to Flat Earth to spread the news that North Korea's one and only Dear Leader and Great Couch Potato, Kim Jong Il, recently shot five holes-in-one in a single round on the country's one and only golf course.

Park Young Man, the course pro, revealed the achievement to a visiting business journalist. 'Hole by hole, Mr Park, who has never heard of Arnold Palmer, explains that the Dear Leader shot a 34, including five holes-in-one, and no hole worse than a birdie - one under par,' the Australian Financial Review reported.

The first hole is a 370-yard dog-leg with a par four, enough to test a Faldo or a Ballesteros. 'Dear Leader Comrade General Kim Jong Il, who I respect from the bottom of my heart, scored two on this hole,' Mr Park told the paper.

He didn't say what handicap his hero has, but that's been clear to political analysts for years anyway. The solution to North Korea's dire economic problems is obvious: the Dear Leader must join the pro tour.

Term in Sing-Sing?

FOR the multitudes who consider karaoke a criminal offence, good news arrives from Hong Kong, where a police inspector's passion for the stuff has earned him a three-month jail term. Inspector Hon Yiu Ki's 23-year police career came to an abrupt end after he told a constable he would alter an unfavourable work appraisal report in return for a stack of karaoke compact discs.

The constable rushed out and bought five - all rejected by the inspector because they were in Cantonese rather than English. Inspector Hon then produced a catalogue in which he had marked eight CDs that he wanted. In a mood for shopping, the constable shopped him to the anti-graft squad.

While the tunes may not be appealing, Inspector Hon is. He is free on bail.

Cling to your man

JERRY HALL'S mother once gave her some now famous advice: 'To be a good wife you've got to be a maid in the house, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom.'

Having absorbed that wisdom and passed it on to the world, Mick Jagger's wife is setting a further valuable example to those of us who are still struggling for perfection. Revealing the beauty secrets of a maid in the house and a cook in the kitchen, she told Healthy Eating magazine that she stares at lightbulbs and cocoons herself in salad oil and cling film.

'I have taught myself not to blink when I don't want to,' the Texas-born model said. 'I practise by staring at lightbulbs.'

As for the salad dressing: 'After I've rubbed on the oil, I wrap myself in cling film and leave it on for a while. If Mick's away, I leave it on overnight.'

Indeed. Mick might assume it was a new Vivienne Westwood creation. But Jerry, what would you miss if you blinked?