Cooper Brown: I need a vacation

I'm tired... so goddam tired. I need a vacation and I haven't had one in ages. The problem is that I hate going away in Europe. Europeans really annoy me with their dull little towns that are all closed by nine in the evening after they have finished patronising me with suggestions for expensive, hideous wine to wash down the various inedible cuts of meat they like to eat in their particular armpit of the continent.

I like to vacation in the US, where I know what's going on and where I'm on an equal footing with everybody. I'm sick of Brits going on about how Americans don't have a passport and don't travel anywhere. The reason for this is that we've got everything we need in our own country, from skiing, to beaches, to woodlands, to great cities. If you guys want anything but drizzle and gloom you've got to leave your country and that's why you pack yourselves on to £1 flights to European hell-holes.

The problem is that Victoria is one of your lot, and doesn't like the idea of vacationing in America. She thinks it's "common". This is true if your choice of destination is the Mouse Castle in Florida, followed by a dip in the BP oil-slick but that is not America. Florida is a pseudo state built entirely for foreigners and hicks. We'll sell it back if you want it. The only place that Victoria and I can sort of agree on is Morocco. In my opinion, this is the next place to blow in the socalled Arab Spring (all these uprisings took place in February, March… this was winter. It should be called the Arab Winter but doesn't sound as good, right?) Anyways, we're off to Marrakesh - watch this space, it's gonna go wrong. Cooper Out.

Twitter- @icooperbrown