Cooper Brown: Wild in the country

It’s all gone wild in the country. I am now up for assault on the census Nazi and, because he is some distant relative of Victoria's family, they are split down the middle in their support.

Victoria is just about backing me and the rest of her family think the Gestapo guy is in the right. I tried giving them a little “who will speak out when they come for you?” speech but they just looked at me blankly like the dumb country idiots they are. I drove back to London as there was going to be another assault if I had to hang in their company any longer. Once back in the Cooperdome I rang Ben and told him to get round as soon as possible. I needed to take my mind off things and Ben is the best person around for mindless pursuits. He turned up outside and started hooting the horn of his new car.

He’d bought a Hummer off some banker who had just beenmaderedundant. I love Hummers, they remind me of the power of the US army (The original source of the civilian version’s design) as well as being guaranteed to offend any lentil muncher that comes within a hundred metres of the thing. We went for a drive round Portobello and were spat at by three cyclists within about 10 minutes.

Ben started to lose his patience and did a superb last-minute move that got the third cyclist on the back wheel and sent him scattering down the cobbles. We whooped like a pair of teenagers and drove off whacking the Metallica up to 11. We ended up outside a falafel joint trading insults with the hippy customers for a good 10 minutes. Good times. Cooper Out.

Twitter- @icooperbrown