Dom Joly: My plan to give football a power boost

I do find it weird that football is so afraid of using available technology to decide whether a ball went over a goal-line or whether a hairdresser was tripped or simply dived like an Argentine. It's all the more curious when you consider that football has installed some of the most complex closed-circuit television systems ever seen in sports stadiums in a largely successful attempt to stop rival fans from throwing darts and coins, bashing each other's shaven heads with large iron bars and holding impromptu Nazi party rallies.

So, while a legion of CCTV operators scans the crowds for an Iron Cross or a Luger hidden under a tight-fitting, nylon football shirt, the actual hairdressers on the pitch are watched by three officials with no recourse to this technology because it might affect the "rhythm" of the game. Then, they decide to put two further officials behind the goals to try to help the ref.

It's all going to end in tears – soon the linesman will flag for offside while the rear goal man will wave his hands and declare a goal while the ref blows for a penalty. All hell will break loose.

I predict that the next wave of football violence will come, not from the players, nor the crowd, but between all the officials who will dive into a huge maul and fight each other to the death in front of a subdued crowd gently encouraging them while keeping one eye on the cameras to make sure that they aren't evicted for encouraging the violence.

Maybe the FA needs to look for more radical solutions. Now that Guantanamo is closing down there will be a lot of "specialist operatives" looking for a new job. Every ground should have a squad of interrogation operatives ready to intervene in any dispute. Should a hairdresser dive and claim a penalty both parties to the event should be taken into a special changing room beneath the ground.

The game could be halted and entertainment provided by the now defunct officials, who could form an erotic dance troupe. Meanwhile, both players could be waterboarded until the truth becomes clear. They would then be returned to the field of play and the game would resume.

Football would simply become more like the American version, with more time for advertising and entertainment in between plays. There would also be a lot less grumbling about the size of players' pay packages if you knew that they had to cover extensive post-interrogation medical costs.

If this, for boring legal reasons, turns out to be somehow undoable, then they need to bite the bullet and totally embrace special effects technology. The actual game could be made far more exciting by placing five, random landmines under each pitch. When a player steps on one he would be sprayed with pig effluent.

Meanwhile all players would have to carry forehead cams that can be surgically inserted into their skin and decorated to look like tattoos. These cameras could all broadcast live giving the director 22 more shots to choose from.

The cameras would also have built-in radio mics – these could easily be fixed with an obscenity monitor. The moment any of an agreed list of words is uttered by a hairdresser then they receive a very strong electric shock. Every time they swear the power goes up until they either conform or are deep-fried live on air. All this technology must already exist and it's beyond me why the FA are such Luddites and afraid of embracing it all.

Even cricket, that most staid and traditional of games, has video umpires and stumpcams. Mind you, I still want them to go one stage further. I would like a robotic version of Ian Botham to be made in the image of something like RoboCop. RoboBoth would be sent on to the field to deal with any disturbances like streakers or sledging – he would be licensed to use extreme force. He would also be deployed to deal with the Barmy Army. The moment the drunken rendition of "Whooooooo weeee arrrrrre..." starts, RoboBoth would be slipped into the crowd from a concealed entrance. Using state-of-the-art technology he would locate the lone bugler and the principal singers and put them "out of action".

At the moment these are just ideas, but I am available for consultancy positions should there be a need for such assistance.

Get off the wagon and on to the open-top bus

With our performances in the one-day matches against Australia, maybe the Ashes-winning team should have had a huge alcoholic blowout like they did in 2005. Looks like the clean-living, low-key direction isn't working.