John Walsh: Tales of the City

I was afraid the 2012 Olympics would spill out of its proposed confines in Stratford, east London, and swamp the rest of the city. I drove past the zone the other day, and thought, if they brought back chariot racing, around in the earliest days of the Olympics, there'd be nowhere big enough to accommodate it, amid the burger franchises and shops selling souvenir pennants. And where are they planning to hold the swimming events? The cross-country running? The kayaking and coxless pairs? The site didn't look big enough to handle any sporting event bigger than boxing or chess.

So where would the overspill from the games end up? Here's one answer. The people at Locog (the attractive acronym of the London Organising Committee of the Olympic Games) have a cunning plan: they want to hold the equestrian events in Greenwich Park. That's right: two weeks of hard riding, attended by massive crowds, crammed into one of the dinkiest parks in London. "We think Greenwich Park will be one of the most amazing venues for the 2012 Games," said a Locog spokesman, "and we believe concerns about it being too small can be overcome."

Local park-users spent the weekend gazing sadly at their favourite chestnut trees or deer and trying to imagine how they'll survive the construction of a four-mile, equestrian cross-country course in between the flower beds and winding pathways. It's a lovely, tranquil place, the Park, a gentle incline of grassy meadow to the Royal Observatory at the top: a place for dog-walkers, buggies, French cricket, lovers, Sunday picnickers.

I'm sure Locog (how close that name is to being plain Loco) will argue that the park has often been used as a sporting venue: Henry VIII introduced archery and sword-fighting into this royal playground. But it's best known as a place of romance and gallantry: check out what's left of Queen Elizabeth's Oak, in whose branches the young virgin queen used to play, and around whose trunk her parents, Henry and Anne Boleyn, used to dance. It was at the lodge gate that Sir Walter Raleigh laid his cloak over a puddle for Elizabeth. Do we really want the place to become a slurry of horseshit? Even some of the riding fraternity don't sound wild about the plan. Zara Phillips, a likely contender in the 2012 events, said, sardonically, of the proposal, "It will be interesting to see how they fit it all in."

If I sound like an old brigadier resisting adjustment to the natural world, it's because I'm fond of the park and don't want to see it closed for the 15 months it would take to transform it. But shall we see other London landmarks co-opted to accommodate sports for which there is no present home? How will the programme read?

Javelin, St Paul's Cathedral

Due to health & safety requirements, it has proved impossible to hold this event in east London, despite the insistence of local publicans that, "It's just darts, only bigger," but we feel sure that this noble edifice will "do". Contestants will have access to the south nave, from which they can hurl the javelin towards, or over, the central altar. "We think the cathedral will be one of the most amazing venues for missile-based sporting events," said a Locog spokesman, "and there will be very little danger to tourists and small children, provided they keep their wits about them at all times."

Diving, Brockwell Park Lido

Due to budgetary restrictions, we are unable to build a new swimming pool in east London, but this popular sun-trap in SE22 will prove a more-than-adequate substitute. International champions will compete from a platform four feet above the water. Members of the public are asked to vacate the pool while events are in progress. "We're sure this charming bathing area will be one of the most amazing venues for vertical-plummeting-style sports," said a Locog spokesman, "though we must remind contestants there's to be no bombing, running or petting."

Curling, Streatham Superbowl

As a result of freak weather, we have been unable to construct a curling arena in Stratford, but we've been advised that this tasteful "fun palace" will delight aficionados. Streatham ice rink is closed, but the bowling alley, though ice-free, will be a happy stand-in. Global champions will enjoy the Las Vegas-style ambience and can find local youths happy to help with the brushing malarkey. "We believe the Superbowl will be one of the most amazing venues for Caledonian-boulder-sliding-type sports," said a Locog spokesman, "though we still don't know how you win it."

Cycling, South Bank Skateboarding Complex

Our plans for a full-size velodrome came unstuck during the credit crunch, but we are relaxed that this walkway will provide contestants with a fascinating challenge. They can whizz up and down the ramps at speeds up to 20mph, and do wheelies. "The skating area will be one of the most amazing venues for bicycle-based sports," said a Locog spokesman, "even if it does a pong a bit."

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