John Walsh: 'You can't mark down a school because there's a lard-arse in Year 13'

Ofsted is an organisation with an obsession. It exists to inspect and assess every state school in the country and write reports about whether they are "outstanding" or "inadequate" or something in between. But how can it tell? How can you look at the baggy monster of a modern academic hall, with 750 short, noisy and stroppy individuals streaming in and out (and that's just the teachers) and say anything meaningful about its virtues and vices? How can you make any useful judgements when you have only a day or two to inspect classrooms, gyms, science blocks, staffroom, library, assembly hall, bike sheds and correctional facility? Especially when Ofsted always tells its victims that they're coming in a week's time, to check for signs of woodworm/drugs/Creationism.

You can almost hear the management complaining that they're tired of asking only about academic targets, A-level achievements, attendance rates, hygiene and how lessons are conducted. These aren't, of course, the real measure of a school. The real measure of a school is how much it amuses, interests and inspires its charges about everything from calculus to cod. But I like the evidence that Ofsted is frustrated by its current remit and wants to expand it.

According to reports, Ofsted in the future is to ask pupils what they think of their place of learning. They'll be asked questions such as, Do your teachers Give Good Advice About Stuff? Do they Protect You from Bullying? Do they go out of their way to Promote Healthy Living? Can you imagine the potential in this for the half-way subversive teen?

"Yes, Mr Maitlis is most attentive. He's been advising me to read The Picture of Dorian Grey, and The Line of Beauty." "Oh yes, Ms Bunting is big on health. She insists we smoke only American Native cigarettes." "God yeah, Mr Sloane has been great at protecting me from bullies. He says I should stand up for myself. Failing that, he says he'll get me a Glock semi-automatic, with silencer."

Also to be inspected in future will be each school's sex education class, lunch (or is that "dinner"?) PE and truancy. Apparently, the watchdog thought of also including obesity levels and the incidence of teen pregnancy as indications of a school's excellence or otherwise; but you can't mark down a school because there's a lard-arse in Year 13. There's always a lard-arse in Year 13. It's natural selection or something. And you can hardly drop St Botolph's School off the state schools Top 30, just because Tamara Panting in Year 10 has got herself knocked up, can you?

The nation's once-helpful (because it was objective) guide to schools will be skewed by childish perceptions about "well-being." Judgements such as, "The penne all'arrabiata is foul and I hate it," or "Mister Kelly took us on the parallel bars, he is well buff, you get me?" have no place in a modern education report. And I dread to think what might happen should the scholars be asked their views about the sex education lessons. What would the report say? "Many children were interested in the condom-on-the-cucumber class, and the diagrams about sexually transmitted disease, but have asked to see more footage of Zac Efron snogging Valerie Hudgens in High School Musical 3. And the girls would like some pictures of fluffy kittens afterwards..."

I see that India has got its first female Catholic saint. Not Mother Teresa of Calcutta (who was Albanian) but Sister Alphonsa of Kerala who died in 1946 and is held responsible for umpteen miraculous cures in the past 60 years. The big thing about Sister Alphonsa is the business about her feet. Her aunt arranged a marriage for her when she was 13; she wasn't keen – she was determined to enter a convent. So when told the marriage was a fait accompli, she stood in a fire and burnt her feet so badly no groom would look at her.

Lots of Catholic saints are a little weird, but the hot-footed Alphonsa is something else. It seems odd that the Pope is holding her up as a shining image of "India's native daughter", before whom the currently warring factions of Christians and Hindus should bury their differences. This seems a little naive. If I understand it right, her example assures the faithful that you should go to any self-immolating lengths for the sake of your religion, no matter what your aunt tells you. Or fiancé. Or Pope.

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