Pandora: Daylight robbery

The billionaire Topshop potentate Sir Philip Green repeatedly falls victim to petty personal theft when interviewing potential employees for his fashion store. Speaking at this year's World Retail Congress in Barcelona, Sir Phil claimed that as well as "walking" his stores every day to observe action at the tills, he personally interrogates wannabe buyers. Rather than wading through CVs, Green sets them a task worthy of the Parable of the Talents. To separate the wicked and slothful servants from the good and faithful, he drops a ball of cash on the table and tells them to go out and buy "what's missing in my shops".

Printing delay saves Serota from heated cultural exchange

At the risk of upsetting Sir Nicholas Serota's wa (harmony), I can tell the director of the Tate galleries that he was fortunate to escape a dinner table skirmish on his junket to Japan last week.

While in Tokyo, Sir Nic dined chez Jason James, the mischievous director of the British Council there. Accompanied by his Turner Prize cheerleader Lizzie Carey-Thomas, Serota exchanged chit-chat with their host about the state of British art.

What Sir Nic did not know was that James had seven days previously contacted the Stuckist movement, the anti-Serota figurative painters outraged by the Tate's championing of unmade beds, pickled livestock, flickering light bulbs, "tins of shit" and funfair slides.

James had ordered a large print of the infamous painting Sir Nicholas Serota Makes an Acquisitions Decision, by the Stuckist co-founder Charles Thomson. The signature work depicts Serota examining a pair of red knickers and asking: "Is it a genuine Emin (£10,000) – or a worthless fake?"

"Jason asked if he could get it delivered in time for Sir Nicolas Serota coming to dinner," says Fraser Kee Scott at A Gallery. "He hoped to unveil it to Serota at dinner, but we only had a week's notice. It might be for the best. Serota hates the picture, so Jason could have ended up with soup thrown over him."

Sir Nic, 62, is the subject of a petition to No 10 asking the Prime Minister not to approve his reappointment this summer.

Miss Great Britain seeks Gwyneth's seat in Crewe

In two weeks, residents of Crewe and Nantwich vote in a by-election certain to bloody noses. Tamsin Dunwoody, the daughter of the deceased incumbent MP, Gwyneth, has been parachuted in to defend Labour's 7,078 majority. An 8.2 per cent swing would deliver the seat to the buoyant Tories, who are focused on a first by-election gain in 26 years.

Another challenger is sure to command the support of a national newspaper (the Daily Star). Gemma Garrett, aka Miss Great Britain, will stand on a "sexy not sleazy" platform. "I want to make Westminster as glamorous as our fellow European legislatures," explains the one-time Miss Belfast, whose idols are Melinda Messenger and Nell McAndrew. She demands tax breaks for working mothers and promises to bring "transparency" (cough) to Parliament.

Garrett's glossy campaign literature should liven up proceedings. It will be intriguing to see how her bikini goes down on Crewe's doorsteps.

Ps and Qs at CCHQ

Not wishing to temper the celebrations at Conservative Campaign HQ, but it may pay for Tory managers to heed the following grumble as they recruit volunteer activists to topple Gordon Brown's government.

A schism emerged outside 30 Millbank (CCHQ) almost as soon as Boris's triumph was announced on Friday night. One senior aide "handpicked more photogenic members of the campaign team to stand with Cameron and greet Boris on his return from City Hall," a source tells Pandora. "The outcasts – people who had spent months in unpaid commitment – were summoned downstairs and away from upstairs festivities. Several disgruntled volunteers left early before Boris arrived." A small, material gripe.

Boris's ruthless Australian strategist, Lynton Crosby was later seen dancing the funky chicken at the victory disco.

Page turner

Fists have been raised in the world of men's magazines. The editor of Maxim, once that most eminent of jazz monthlies, has dismissed critics of his relaunch as "wankers" (no irony intended). In a troop-rallying rant to staff, Michael Donlevy wrote: "Trade journalists are wankers. They don't like [Maxim owner Felix] Dennis, never have, never will. So they will give us a kicking instead of reporting that Esquire sold 15,000 or Arena sold four fucking copies." Even the sonant Dennis has disowned the remarks.

* Changing times at the gay lifestyle store Prowler. Next to the Rufus Wainwright CDs, designer pants, lube and silicone penises, one can now find ... baby clothes. "A recent survey revealed that 11 per cent of gay men are fathers and 20 per cent of lesbians are mothers," explains the company. One bemused patron comments: "Prowler's shop in Soho is best known for its gay porn selection, which is quite excellent."

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