Johann Hari: Here are the real reasons that people love this country
I would pledge allegiance to Coronation Street, not Downing Street
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Independent Minds
Gordon Brown has released yet another book about Britishness to clutter the nation's bookshelves. He proposes an abstract statement of "British values", or maybe an expanded oath of loyalty, to cement us all together under the Union Jack – but all this well-meaning ho-humming misses the point. Most of us love our country simply because it's ours. I love my flat not because it represents "Johannish" values, or because it's objectively the best flat in the world, but because it's where the things I know and love are cluttered together, and I feel a wave of calm when the door shuts behind me. I feel the same when I step off the Eurostar at Waterloo or stagger out into Terminal Five: Ah, I'm home.
One small but revealing symbol of how we get patriotism wrong in Britain can be spotted if you read the stultifying vow we make immigrants take when they become citizens. It says: "I swear by Almighty God to solemnly, sincerely and truly affirm and declare that, on becoming a British citizen, I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, her heirs, and successors." There is a suggestion to make kids chant it at schools. So in the name of a non-existent deity, I promise to follow an unelected leader, wherever that ends up. Woo-hoo – I'm British now!
I think we need an oath of office that reflects the real reasons why British people love our country. No, I beg you, not some airless guff about "fair play" and "a sense of decency". Show me a country on earth that prides itself on unfair play and indecency. Here is my proposal for how our new pledge – and our new patriotism – should go:
"I pledge allegiance to the Queen Vic, not Queen Elizabeth. I pledge allegiance to Coronation Street, not Downing Street. I pledge allegiance to The Office, not the office of Prime Minister. I pledge allegiance to the Life of Brian, not the Life of Christ. I pledge allegiance to Marmite – and to people who can talk for hours about precisely why they hate Marmite.
"I pledge allegiance to deep-fried Mars bars, cold doner kebabs, and girls who wear mini-skirts in sub-zero temperatures. I pledge allegiance to the NHS, the BBC, and M&S. I pledge allegiance to Shakespeare and to the belief that "there are more things on heaven and earth than are dreamed of in your philosophy, Horatio".
"I pledge allegiance to Radio 4 documentaries about the history of drinking water, told in six parts. I pledge allegiance to George Orwell, George Formby, George Eliot, and George Michael. I pledge allegiance to the Notting Hill Carnival, the Edinburgh Festival, and the people who – for no reason at all – wander around Glastonbury dressed as giant pigeons.
"I pledge allegiance to our national dish, chicken tikka masala. I pledge allegiance to the people who sell candy floss on muddy beaches on muggy days. I pledge allegiance to fog and hail and rain, and to people who wear three layers of clothing and shed them and put them back on several times a day, each time declaring with an optimistic smile, "The weather's lovely today".
"I pledge allegiance to the Beatles and the conviction that life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. I pledge allegiance to queuing, and to the people who tut and cluck and scrunch their faces when anybody tries to push in. I pledge allegiance to William Wallace played by an Australian and Gandhi played by an Englishman.
"I pledge allegiance to Fawlty Towers and faulty trains and that small, almost silent sigh that shudders across a carriage when the train stops for no reason in empty fields. I pledge allegiance to the wrong kind of snow.
"I pledge allegiance to the fact that the London Olympics in 2012 will be messier and shabbier and far more prone to disruption by protesters than the Beijing Olympics.
"I pledge allegiance to the boys who died in the mud at Normandy so I could be free. I pledge allegiance to the women who slept in the mud at Greenham Common so I would not burn. I pledge allegiance to Ateeque Sharifi, who came here as a refugee from Taliban Afghanistan, only to be blown up by Talibanists on the Circle Line. I pledge allegiance to everyone who drives an ambulance or teaches a child on this rainy island for paltry wages because they know it's the right thing to do.
"I pledge allegiance to the people of Britain, not because they're the best in the world, but because they're mine."
* Johann will be speaking about global warming at the Bush Theatre in London this Wednesday, after a performance of the play The Contingency Plan. To book tickets, click www.bushtheatre.co.uk/whats_on/
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Comments
Surely that's the pledge for affirming EU citizenship?
Why not have a pledge that offers multiple choice in several categories?
e.g.
I solemnly vow by God/ Allah/ Jesus Christ/ Mother Earth/ Humanity -
to honour and support the traditions of my country
such as
fair play/ equality/ kindness/ dignity.
I promise to cherish customs like
queuing/ grumbling/ self deprecation/ dry humour.
Candidate to select at least one or more from each row.
One thing I find horrendously insulting though is any idea of asking anyone who is already British to do this. I don't make vows to look after my child, I just do and I work bloody hard at it. Any demand for me to make a tinsel ceremony of it is an insult. Like Mother's Day is.
So I wouldn't permit MY child or grandchild to parrot stuff about THEIR OWN country.
Immigrants if you must but leave these tacky American propaganda machines to them.
Their society is very recently constructed so they are all immigrants or children of them or grandchildren.
That's different. They NEED brainwashing to hold together because they stole their country from others so recently. We do not. Our thievery was longer ago.
I see your point after I saw the cartoon of today. There is the speaker. He has the something stuck ay the back as a the chimney, the handle is like the bellows and blows the air, the smoke comes from the BT or BG or Virgin (the company) . Is he getting ready for the BIG Jihad or the smoke Salmon Fiesta?
I thank you
Firozali A.Mulla
I could never pledge allegiance to tree hugging Charlie or the soap opera which is the current royal family offspring - but East Enders and Coronation street is a different story.
Yet two paragraphs earlier, he swears an oath 'in the name of a non-existent deity'. Isn't this at odds with his wish to believe in "more things on [sic] heaven and earth"? He can't have it both ways.
Or, is it OK to believe in "more things in heaven and earth" just because it's been suggested by Wm Shakespeare. Whilst if the idea of God were mooted by a C of E vicar or parishioner, JH would dismiss it with lofty disdain.
That simply makes JH a common or garden elitist, like so many other 'liberals'.
Hitler and his Nazi boys fought for a United Europe = European Union
I could go on, but it's too depressing.
Charles Darwin, Newton, Hawking, Sir David Attenborough, Richard Dawkins, David Wardle (soil and plant ecologist)
Thomas More, Bertrand Russell, John Taverner, Henry Purcell, Mike Oldfield, William Blake, Tolkien, Dickens, the Bronte sisters, Lewis Carroll, George Eliot, Graham Greene, Agatha Christie, Aldous and T.H. Huxley, Kipling, Virginia Woolf, George Orwell, Chesterton, among others; John Lennon and all the rock music since The Beatles; Eddie Izzard!
Amnesty international, the non religious section of the Salvation Army, etc., etc.
Mind you, I am reeling from the fact that there are things in Hari's article I actually agree with. Just wouldn't pledge allegiance to any of them, or anything else.
I pledge never knowingly to split another infinitive.
And I will add, that while you Brits seem to complain about the state of football in the UK there is nothing quite as wonderful as hopping a Saturday morning train to go watch ones first Premiership football match. Even if the train takes far too long
I pledge allegiance to my England, our land, our guarantee of survival as a people. I pledge allegiance to the goal of reclaiming it in perpetuity from the unwanted, uninvited foreign populations which, today, drive us slowly but surely from our familiar places. I pledge allegiance to the goal of freeing England from the interests and ideologies which have brought us into this time of danger.
It's a straightforward bargain; you pledge allegiance and you get protection.
Take no notice of the other muddle-heads, whingers and pedants who have posted you earlier and worthless critiques of your excellent overview on "Britishness".
We are, like it or not, a nation at once confused, stylish, individual, independent and bolshie; not to mention tolerant, stubborn, proud and innately resourceful.
There are those pathetic people who eschew nationalism, but we are all to a man (and of course, woman) nationalistic, prejudiced, fearful, biased, and proud.
To those half-wits out there who have not yet understood that unassailable human condition.....open your psychology books on page1.
RiccardoJ, Hampshire.
I swear allegiance to the Queen (look where elected presidents have got other countries, pakistan for example), the people of this country who are as vibrant and diverse per km as the people of any other country. But above all I swear upon this land, the right to roam and climb what you will, the secrets of our forests and unimaginable beauty that is so easily accessible but (unfortunately) so rarely accessed by people who are besotted by other countries.
Seriously mate get out in the UK and EXPERIENCE THE COUNTRY. Get a collection of Ordnance survey maps and a compass and walk for days. You will meet people, some you agree with some you don't (just as you would in another country). When you do this you will trully realise there is still alot worth fighting for and so far we seem to be doing pretty good apart from some minor misdemeanors. I was in Pakistan last summer and so much was off limits because of threat to personal safety, there may be some large attractions there (K2 etc) that are still safe but there is nothing like the freedom for me and my Lahori girlfriend to roam the mountains of the NWFP or walk the plains of Punjab. The UK is still that free and its damn well worth its salt for more than a few TV programmes, we still have a national identity should these bloody city dwellers wish to find it and its bloody different from the racist stereotype. Join morris dancing clubs find out what you really have here to swear on before you write an article like this.
I am generally a fan of your articles but please encourage people to enjoy this country for what it is for a change rather than make a mockery, I know that is hard as a journalist, there is alot to criticise here but please look for some good soon.
"I pledge allegiance to the people of Britain, not because they're the best in the world, but because they're mine."
Personally I couldn't give a toss what Hari pledges allegiance to! I will get along fine wherever his loyalties lie.
Unlike trendy liberals, I do not share this fetish for democracy. The House of Lords is undemocratic, but it is far better than a second elected chamber. Businesses affect our lives greatly, and although we essentially elect business leaders by choosing to purchase their products instead of another, we do not choose their advisors. The House of Lords is an advisory chamber with no real legislative power.
Having a monarchy is undemocratic in terms of the heriditary principle. But can anyone name a President or other Head of State with higher approval ratings than Queen Elizabeth II, who routinely polls approximately 80-85%. Hari may be trying to appear ''anti-establishment'' and ''trendy,'' but he just appears immature and even more pointless than usual. How can such an intelligent man write such drivel and take himself so seriously.
We should swear allegiance to the Queen because she represents everything that is great about our institution. Libertarianism is the best system. Democracy simply means choice if our elected politicians agree with it. The Queen provides stability and a source of heritage and tradition in a rapidly changing world with more and more careerist politicians. The old hereditary peers in the House of Lords abided by the honourable principle of 'Noblesse Oblige.' They didn't get paid in the Lords, but they turned up day in day out, even when they had passed the age of 80. Some even stay in until at least 100. A Labour hereditary peer, Baron Stabolgi, was born in 1914, is nearly 95 and still attends the House. Lord Carrington took his seat in 1945 and still sits. The House of Lords, like the Commons, is full of careerists and sycophants who have no principle and are only in their for the title.
Please Mr Hari, use your formidable and channel it into proper journalism, not this stupid attempt at emulating the odious, hypocrtical and despicable Polly Toynbee. And with climate change, cancel your speech and live with a good conscience for the rest of your life, knowing you didn't collude in telling the biggest lie ever told to humanity. There is no scientific evidence for anthropogenic global warming, and any warming is a result of natural planetary cycles, radioactive emissions from the sun. Technically, we are in an ice age, yet 500 years ago, temperatures were on average 4 degrees higher than today, and it was even warmer during the Roman period. Mars is warming up for heaven's sake