Mark Steel: You can't bath with one jug of water?
A vital commodity will soon only be available to the privileged few
If this was a business column I'd suggest one industry to invest in would be bailiffs. A few years ago it was hard work to be so late in paying a bill that you'd get referred to bailiffs, but now if you're 15 minutes late paying your gas bill or council tax, you get a letter saying "IF YOU DO NOT PAY THE SUM OF £253.74 PLUS £8,000 COSTS WE WILL REMOVE YOUR FLOORBOARDS, HOUSEHOLD PETS, DIALYSIS MACHINES, AND SOUL... DO NOT IGNORE THIS NOTICE."
But for Thames Water, it seems even this practice isn't threatening enough. They're pressing the Government to change the law, to allow them to punish late-payers by cutting off their water. In case we consider this a tad harsh they explain they wouldn't cut it off altogether, just "reduce it to a trickle," of around a jugful a day. Because they're full of compassion. They'll probably add, "There's no reason why this would prevent children from washing. If you look at cats for example, they lick themselves spotless, and we don't charge them anything (though we are looking at demanding a nominal charge from April next year)."
They also emphasise removing the water supply would only be a "last resort". That's reassuring, although even that's probably because if cutting you off was the first thing they did they wouldn't be able to move on to waterboarding, as they'd be holding you down while trying to wet the rag and grumbling, "This trickle's taking ages – I think we're doing this the wrong way round."
Also, anyone who's had to contact a utility about a problem with their bill knows the frustration of trying to reach them at all. We'll soon be forced to listen to a silky voice between hours of Vivaldi, telling us, "We are currently receiving a high level of calls from dying customers. Why not try later, or log on to our cholera information website."
With superb timing, this tweak to the law was suggested on the same day that Thames Water announced record profits of £605m, along with a rise in charges of around 17 per cent, from a company that in 2007 was fined £12.5m by the regulator for providing a dreadful service, and then lying about their performance on their reports. But back then they had a more liberal attitude to the law, objecting that the fine was ridiculous because, "That money could be spent improving the service for customers." Which is like someone who's fined for mugging an old aged pensioner saying, "That's ridiculous, I was planning to spend that money on improving the life of that old aged pensioner."
Maybe there's a logic to their outlook. For them water isn't so much an essential substance, it's a commodity to be sold to satisfy shareholders. Walter Letwin, the investment banker, told a conference recently that "investors will embrace this opportunity to invest in companies involved in one of the world's most vital industries – water, with its positive price dynamic, limited global supply and increasing global demand". Or he could have just said, "It's drying up but the bastards die without it – WE CAN'T LOSE – YAHOOOO!"
So before long water will be a privilege for those who can afford it, with Thames Water offering gold accounts for customers who wish to enjoy skinny latte showers, or their toilet flushed with holy water so their waste is redeemed of sin. Then Thames will branch off into life-support machines, calmly suggesting they should be allowed to turn them off if the bill isn't paid, because, "those people not paying are causing prices to rise among the honest coma community."
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Comments
I thank you
Firozali A Mulla
The free market only works (for essentials) when what they have to sell is in massive over-supply, witness food distribution.
As soon as food is in shortage a government is needed to stop the rich getting everything, it's the same with water.
I agree that you might be able to use much less than we do, but a jug cannot be sufficient. Probably about 10 jugs might be the minimum to have a "real" wash, where you can have water over your whole body atleast 3 times.
But I know that many parts of Africa and desert regions around the world, where they dont have the luxury of running water or it costs a fortune, they treat water as a precious commodity.
I know that this article is about Thames Water, but I guess we should try to avoid wasting water to minimise impact on the environment.
You are very kind with the bottled water of the10 Downing Street. Can I have some more? Please.
I thank you
Firozali A Mulla
You can't wash your clothes so you go to work in a swimming costume - until it gets too cold and collapse on the street of hypothermia.
You start drinking the water from the stream, but the yobbos up the council estate pissed in it so you start puking.
One good thing though: when you go to Wembley, you won't need to take a leak, so you won't miss the start of the second half waiting for the crush to subside. The FA are like water companies too: they think that only corporates are allowed to piss at half time AND see the second half........
Having said that, I'm sure there must be something in Environmental Health legislation which should prevent Thames Water getting their way.
Is that a jug of water per household, or a jug of water per occupant?
This is only a surprise to the blind nitwits who consistently vote for the political party most likely to flog everything public that isn't welded to something very big. From the second Water was privatised, no, from the months before it was privatised, it was clear that water was going to be made a commodity. A commodity is something that has a value which can be increased by, for example, exaggerating its scarcity. So what do we have now? A permanent water shortage, endless demands to extend home metering because of the shortage, price hikes because of the need to construct new reservoirs to horde the precious fluid.
Get real. This country goes squish when you stand on it. It is not Nevada. There is no Sahara of Sussex. If the water companies actually invested the amounts they promised when they were buying public property they would have fixed the endemic leakage problems and put in a national network of reservoirs and pipelines by now. But why bother when you can raise prices, moan loudly and have a good chuckle on the way to the bank?
When the water companies bought the industry lock, stock and barrel they acquired both enormous real estate assets and a working, government-supported monopoly. OffWat is pathetic. Like most Labour quangos it runs on the 'light touch' 'let's have lunch old chap' principle. Meanwhile, shareholders become happy and everyone else has to flush less often. The quality of service dries up like a drainage ditch in August and bills skyrocket. But the worst is yet to come. Be wealthy or be on benefits, because your children will only be able to read about the old days when water was free for all.
We chose to pour this down the drain with a few moments of Thatcher thrills, when everything was privatised with absolutely no safeguards. We all forgot that private companies own commodities to make vast profits, and do not care about customer service or national infrastructures.
The head of Yorkshire water used to boast that he hadn't had a bath in Yorkshire for 4 years, we saw this as a joke, not a future omen. We will increasingly be held to ransom by the water companies.
We are slowly realising the folly of our ways the hard way, with water shortages, train crashes, failing airlines etc. Cheaper international phone calls seem to be the only benefit.
It is refreshing to see that we are turning full cycle, but the damage is already done.
There was an encouraging U-Turn recently with some railway lines closed by "Butcher" Beeching being re-opened, let's hope their is more good news on the horizon.
Sure, and the government recognises this - no one is stopping you from meandering down to your nearest brook and drinking your fill.
But we're not talking about just any old water here, are we? We're talking about water that is highly processed to make potable and then piped to your house, and the waste taken away and dealt with in sewerage works, all of which costs money.
Everyone should be metered - it discourages waste, and means that the thrifty don't wind up subsidising the spendthrift.
I thank you
Firozali A Mulla
And no , we do not want to sell you any, I'm surprised you're not stealing it already though.
As mentioned in the article there has also been a big move towards handling everything on the phone, as that leaves no paper trail when things get nasty.
On Monday (29 June) BT called me with an automated message threatening to disconnect me if I didn't pay a bill that was only issued on 16 June.
There should be an investigation into all of this. People have a right not to be harrassed and stressed like this.
Perhaps Coca Cola should stop using all the water, or maybe we could bathe in sprite or dr peppers and weŽd smell sweet all day.