Rob Sharp: Don't be sarcastic on Twitter

Here's a modern allegory: imagine that Twitter is a dinner party. Invited to this party, along with you, are the likes of a famous Irish comic scriptwriter, a Cambridge graduate who keeps going on about his mental health, and a collection of your colleagues and friends.

To begin with, you feel part of something; you feel like you belong. You catch sight of a young, attractive television presenter sat opposite you, and you get cocky, you think for a while, and, after a brief, sniggering conversation with a co-worker, decide what you are going to say.

It will be witty, it will be precise, it will show them you are every inch the sophisticate that they are. "At the Blur gig last week, someone pissed on me by accident," you shout, your neck straining over the table. They look up, surprised at first, but because you've made the effort, they feel obliged, presumably, to reply.

"Oh really," they mutter, delicately sawing through the remnants of their starter. "I hate it when that happens." You respond, again after careful consultation, "Listen, babes, if it's cynical publicity you're after then look no further," before spending the rest of the evening mumbling to yourself under your breath.

A close friend of mine (who happens to share my first and last names) recently experienced the above. Twitter seems to flout formality. Because people invariably use it for messing around, when confronted with a professional they don't know how to behave. In person, it might have been obvious that the person above was being sarcastic. On Twitter, they sounded like they were doing a bad impression of Arthur Fonzarelli.

In terms of socially aware users, Twitter is the perfect place to network. About five per cent of users are insane self-publicists accounting for 75 per cent of all activity. But this networking opportunity comes with a health warning: don't try to push its boundaries. Anything approaching wit, flirtation, or subversion will be greeted with a follower haemorrhage.

If your humour is predicated on irony or sarcasm, you're screwed. Sarcasm doesn't work in emails, and it doesn't work in 140 characters or less. Secondly, just because you are following someone and are privy to when they take their tea breaks, that doesn't mean you are actually "friends". Twitter might allow you to know more about someone than you would ordinarily, but don't abuse the privilege (like a bad stalker).

Lastly, it is incredibly easy to confuse professional friendliness with something more amorous. If people are being nice to you, it is probably because they have something to gain. Remember: for every 100 individuals you follow on Twitter, you will earn 79 of your own disciples. For every 100 updates you do, you'll earn 16. Tweet carefully, and don't do it if you wouldn't do it to their face. Or why not get some proper friends.

r.sharp@independent.co.uk