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The Sketch: Anything interesting you say may be twisted and used against you

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 00:00:01 GMT

"They never answer the question, do they?" A lady was walking through Westminster Hall after PMQs and making this observation. No, they don't. Even when they do they don't. Genuflecting to the gods of Diversity, the Tories have an American MP in the House. He is an amiable, bankerly sort of fellow called Brooks Newmark. He put to the PM his killer question. It was suicidal. "Only three countries have a larger budget deficit than Britain," he said. "Can the Prime Minister name even one?" He's an East Side smoothie is Brownstone Brooks, so Gordon's response was brutal: "America," he said, and sat down.

The Sketch: Don't call it lap dancing, he told MPs. It's adult entertainment

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 00:00:01 GMT

One generation cometh and another generation passeth away. In front of the Culture Committee's Lap Dancing Investigation we had Peter Stringfellow on one side with his silver hair flowing over collar and a face that looked like his reputation. And on the other, Sandrine Levêque, a fragrant young professional whose job was given as an Anti-Objectification Advocacy Officer.

The Sketch: If confidence is half the battle, we'll need another army

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 00:00:01 GMT

It must have been deliberate. A masterpiece is never accidental. Above and beyond all imitation, it was in a class of its own. To adapt the words of the advertisement, that wasn't just boring, that was Alistair Darling boring.

The Sketch: How sensible debate is strangled by taboos

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 00:00:01 GMT

That nana Sion Simon kept "counselling" people not to "talk down" the economy. It's the new way of countering (or suppressing) criticism. If you stand up and welcome spending on apprentices and call for more spending – he accuses you of "talking the economy down". Labour's David Taylor was rebuked for saying that management of large projects wasn't the most glittering success of the public service. He got it as well. "Talking it down."

The Sketch: Grumpy and toothless: the Conservative front bench

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 00:00:01 GMT

What a row of grim faces on the Tory front bench. Despite any and all efforts to look like winners, the whole team has the air of Eric Pickles. Poor George Osborne looked bankrupt. His credit collapsed. The Prime Minister is right (it's the last time I'll use those words): it's all George Osborne's fault.

Simon Carr: Mr Keynes' funny farm... a bullock outfoxes the fox

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 00:00:01 GMT

What great good form the Prime Minister's on. He can't conceal the thrill in his voice or the bounce in his step. What eagerness he has to make his points. Everyone agrees with him, you know. All the world leaders. He's just come back from seeing them. They're doing what he says they should do. That's what everyone's saying. The problem came from America, the solution was made in Britain. Its name? It begins with Gordon ...

The Sketch: Is Harriet harmed or did Bryant leave his brain in the lobby?

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 00:00:01 GMT

What's going on between Harriet and her protégé, Chris Bryant? One old stager told me that no secretary of state likes it when their assistant or under-minister makes a hit. Oh, they laugh along in public, but inside they die a little every time it happens.

The Sketch: Tragedy casts a shadow over the political ring

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 00:00:01 GMT

Everything's changed for David Cameron. The Prime Minister said something true and useful in PMQs. Gordon Brown has emerged from the abyss into which we cast him. Boring he may be, flat-footed as ever, pettily partisan – but he is still there without having changed a jot. And so, as he confronts his enemies, abusers, and critics it is possible to discern the lineaments of shame as they – we – review the way he was treated in his wilderness year.

The Sketch: As Miliband spoke, I wanted to chuck things

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 00:00:01 GMT

It's not really cricket to say that the whole thing's a waste of time; we're supposed to look at it quietly and work out whether it works on its own terms. But Foreign Office questions is a complete waste of time and it's not just because of the Foreign Secretary.

Simon Carr: This sort of appalling language has no place in the Commons

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 00:00:01 GMT

Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand and Culture questions: The Sketch. Warning: contains language. And truth to tell, it's some of the worst language you can hear anywhere. I hope continued exposure isn't making your sensibilities leathery.

The Sketch: Mandelson leaves us frozen in frustration

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 00:00:01 GMT

Are they chairladies, in the Lords? It sounds a little menial for their position. I collared chairlady Cohen outside the European Sub-Committee A and asked, "Did you get anything out of that?"

The Sketch: Wind of change makes everyone a winner

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 00:00:01 GMT

"I'd like to congratulate Barack Obama, whose Scottish ancestry provided the qualities needed to lead a great nation." That was Gordon's version. Cameron's was: "Obama's time in the Bullingdon gave him the best insight into what America so desperately needs."

The Sketch: Are our patient records safe in their hands? Just ask the database...

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 00:00:01 GMT

Databases epitomise everything that's wrong with modern administration. In Health questions Andrew MacKay asked that nice Ben Bradshaw about the security of the national collection of information that is called Connecting for Health or Choose 'n' Book or the Spine.

Simon Carr: Excellent questions, evasive answers

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 00:00:01 GMT

It was a cross between a meeting of the sober-suited Treasury committee and a Radio 2 phone-in. Members of the public had been invited to send in questions they wanted our leaders to answer and 5,000 obliged.

The Sketch: Surprise is not always the best way to attack

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 00:00:01 GMT

It was the only entirely unexpected question of the day: the Speaker interrupted a Labour backbencher to ask if she'd given the shadow Chancellor advancewarning of her attack? She'd accused him of leaking a Bank of England briefing – a very familiar charge.

The Sketch: Doing it for the very best of reasons – sheer loathing

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 00:00:01 GMT

Politics is... this could be a series of pocket cartoons, but I couldn't find pockets big enough. Politics is... when your actions are driven more by hatred of your enemies than love of your friends. It's more of a strip, perhaps.

Simon Carr: Vernon makes me laugh out loud. I don't know why

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 00:00:01 GMT

It doesn't often happen so we should celebrate it. We should pay tribute to it as well, probably; there's too little of that sort of thing in the sketch writing community. I haven't really got the vocabulary for it but nonetheless feel that it should be recorded that we learnt things in Home Office questions. I can celebrate that. And even the things we didn't learn were informative.

The Sketch: Yawns inside the bubble world of Westminster

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 23:00:01 GMT

It is a different world inside Westminster, especially in that no-man's-land of the week known as Thursday. Whatever is going on in the outside world, nothing happens inside the bubble. All the life drains out of the place as members go home early "to their constituencies".

The Sketch: A full investigation is the last thing the Government needs

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 23:00:01 GMT

Our back-from-the-brink PM got a yelp of welcome from one of his bench monkeys. He's back on form. Dogged. Sullen. Random, wolfy grin. And, at the end of every answer, a punch, a poke in the eye, a political point. That got him in trouble at the end.

The Sketch: To the dark side, without night vision

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 23:00:01 GMT

It seems there is such a thing as society, after all. The Rothschild letter which has done such damage to the shadow chancellor tells us that. There is a social world outside politics with its own codes, customs, honour, and if you betray its confidence, you will feel its sting.

The Sketch: Mild manner that spoke volumes

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 23:00:01 GMT

Ooh, I don't know, are the Tories on top of this? The trumpet has, to put it mildly, an uncertain note. Toot toot, sort of thing. Parp parp. That rude noise that makes children laugh. I suppose if you want to keep out of the public eye you don't jazz-walk down the street playing a New Orleans funeral march over the remains of the Government. But is this head-down, inconspicuousness actually the right approach? It stops them being associated with the current carnage, yes. But it does let the Government off the hook.

The Sketch: Many are called, few prosper

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 23:00:01 GMT

A moment's respite from these difficult times. It was Thursday. Nothing happens in Parliament on Thursdays. Anyone who is anyone has gone off to a multilateral, intradisciplinary, supranational meeting to benchmark best practice leaving us to question time for the Department of Innovation, Skills and I forget what. Relationships? Handbags? Fat? This renaming of departments has got to stop. We can't keep up. And no one's that interested.

The Sketch: Many are called, few succeed

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 23:00:01 GMT

The Sketch: Harman's Thatcher tribute act foreshadows ghost of Labour's future

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 23:00:01 GMT

Can you see it? When I put on my Mystic Meg spectacles it couldn't be clearer. If the election happens in 18 months, and if there are mass casualties, I see the great Pashmina, Harriet Harman, emerging to lead the Labour Party (leading it to a generational defeat it's true, but leading it nonetheless).

Simon Carr: The Something-For-Nothing Society (part II)

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:05:09 GMT

It was a question to file away in the back of our minds. Bob Marris asked it of Alistair Darling on Monday.