Simon Carr: Gordon looks happy. Time to panic

These are serious times, with the entire structure of the world financial system looking like Chateau Collapso, real skills are called for by our political leaders.

It's an education to see them in action. They recognise the issues, I think and have developed strategies to cope. The oppositions need to be seen to be part of a government of national unity. The Government has to welcome them into "the progressive consensus". To that extent everyone has to appear close and cosy. But the Government has to keep the credit for any success and the oppositions have to avoid being tainted by any failure. That means they have to keep their cool and distance. It's not easy.

Related articles

• Banks set to agree £50bn package
• Royal Bank of Scotland shares battered again
• EU-wide deposit guarantee agreed
• Worries for UK internet savers as Icelandic bank is nationalised
• Landsbanki's nationalisation explained
• Alliance & Leicester fined £7m over insurance sales
• Brown pledges to maintain financial stability
• UK 'already in recession' claims business group
• Jeremy Warner's Outlook: Treasury fiddles as markets crash
• Bhs trading 'unpredictable' as sales fall
• 20 reasons for the crunch
• Leading article: The day Britain and Europe shared each other's pain
• The day fear hit the markets
• Iceland suspends bank stocks as krona plunges
• Wall Street space man to pilot $700bn mortgage rescue plan
• Contrite Lehman chief defends 'excessive' bonuses
• Business leaders call for half-point interest rate cut this week
• From Iceland to Greece, Europe marches out of step
• After the worst day at the office, the traders headed for the pub
• Zoellick says G7 should be replaced
• Michael Bloomberg: Our response to the financial crisis should be modelled on 9/11
• Darling may raise deposit protection
• Bank of America to raise $10bn and cut dividend
• Brits covered by UK pledge over Iceland deposits
• Brown hosts talks on economic crisis
• Search the news archive for more stories

So, Gordon Brown looked immensely cheerful in the Commons yesterday. And why not? Shares in the PM are the only ones in Britain that are going up. He sat in on the Chancellor's statement yesterday with a face full of lively cunning. As the shadow Chancellor spoke Gordon radiated a transcendental superiority. "Oh, if only he knew," he managed to project. With a scratch of his temple he was able to say, "Of course, I have spoken to President Bush about something very similar." And in total, "Obviously I can't say anything but you, poor fool, have really let yourself down there."

George Osborne's offers to join the decision-making process reminded me of my own efforts to get into a certain reception at the conference. Alistair Darling kept saying he couldn't find Osbo's name on the list. Vince Cable got a cheer and went on to recommend "partial nationalisation". Then he asked for the Bank of England's remit to be changed a bit. I think we need something more alarming from Vince.

Only one of the Chancellor's remarks stuck in my mind, and only because it sounded so cynical. The German announcement about guaranteeing all private deposits was "not legally binding" because it was only "a political declaration". That made me wonder about government guarantees that were actually supposed to be binding. Ultimately, paper money is a "political declaration". And all these calm, consensual words and promises to do "whatever it takes" to create stability in these difficult, dangerous times – they're political declarations too. I'm scaring myself now.

Having listened to the Chancellor, the Sketch has some advice for all readers. Get out of money. Buy gold. And not gold futures or options. Buy Krugerrands and put them in a safe deposit box. Then buy 500 kilos of rice and an automatic rifle. This is not a drill!

simoncarr@sketch.sc

More from Simon Carr