Simon Carr: If it's not outlawed yet, it soon will be

The country's changing faster than we think. Here are some changes you may not have noticed:

* Changing the radio station in a moving car is defined as driving without due care and attention. It will be to necessary to pull into a lay-by to change stations.

* Tapping the ash of a cigarette out of a car window shall be defined as littering and subject to an Anti-Social Entry on the national register.

* Public servants shall not be allowed to help the public in emergency situations unless they have been authorised. They shall not be authorised unless they have attended appropriate training courses and been licensed by their employer. Any public servant putting him or herself at risk in emergency circumstances without the appropriate license shall be prosecuted.

* If a traveller gives offence to an airport employee, that shall be grounds for refusing to allow him or her to embark.

* Speaking on a mobile phone while riding a bicycle shall be subject to a fixed notice penalty.

* The police will investigate your burglary only if you can provide the contact details of the burglar. And be willing to make a co-payment to the police, along with providing insurance cover for the arrest.

* Consensual sex between a 16-year-old and a 15-year-old is termed paedophilia and shall result in both parties being placed on the sex offenders register indefinitely.

* The GPS device in your car to monitor mileage shall be modified to send details of speed-limit infractions to the penalty notice issuing authority.

* Boys making drawings with violent content shall be entered into a psychological evaluation programme leading to remedial treatment, if deemed necessary. (NB. Any representation of guns and military equipment shall be deemed violent, as will civilian aircraft in conjunction with tall buildings).

* Joggers on public pavements shall wear helmets. If jogging after dark they shall carry illumination to prevent accidents.

* Two people singing in a pub without a license shall be subject to criminal proceedings.

* Polygraph evidence of personal attitudes and thought patterns shall be admissible evidence in hate crime trials. Also to test adoptive parents for diversity compliance.

* Churches will have to install airport-style scanning devices to ensure congregation members are not armed.

* Cyclists will have their license plates on their cycles. Cycle lanes will be constructed paid for by the annual license fee and fines that will now be payable for traffic infractions.

* You may be arrested for carrying a copy of Wilfred Owen's war poetry in a briefcase in Whitehall without the permission of the Commissioner of Police. Charges will be considered under the Serious Organised Crime Act and the Prevention of Terrorism Act.

* Leaving the country will require an exit visa. To be granted one, your tax returns must be up to date.

* Torture shall be allowable in certain circumstances under the Prevention of Terror Act, but only by licensed officials trained to Best Practice level 5 of the Health and Safety Executive guidelines.

* Under the precautionary principle, legislation to deal with civil, criminal and terrorist emergencies will be stockpiled in the same way as we stockpile vaccines.

It's true that some of the above haven't quite happened yet. But it's just a matter of time.

She's in a class of her own

British housewives sent their clothing coupons to the Queen as wedding presents in 1947. I'm getting misty-eyed just typing the words. They were all sent back; anti-black market regulations made them non-transferable. She got the standard extra 200 coupons that every other bride got. Abolitionists want another sort of head of state for Britain. But the more you see of politicians the more you can find in the Queen to admire. Sometimes the discovery is really quite shocking and we find ourselves queuing up just to walk past the medieval iconography to pay respects we didn't know we had. God, I hope Charles is up to it. These jobs are always more difficult than they look.

So often, so very often, the politician who creates the mess has moved on by the time the mess is apparent. As it was said – "the only successful Chancellors of the Exchequer are those who get out in time".

How rare, how very rare it is for a politician to move into rather than away from the firing line. Gordon Brown's burning sense of entitlement to the job of prime minister has drawn him out of his protected environment at the Treasury and into the full glare of the highest office. All his flaws are monstrously magnified and all his strengths discounted.

He backed entry into the ERM at the wrong level and has spent 15 years jeering at the Tories for having followed his advice. Now it looks like Northern Rock will cost the taxpayer more than Black Wednesday. But there is very much more than Northern Rock. This is the tragedy (if that's the way you feel) or the comedy (if that's the way you think) about Gordon Brown.

s.carr@independent.co.uk

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