Simon Carr: Smears, fury, treachery, suspenders

Take a condensed edition of the news and then see if you're not anxious

You're not anxious? Then you're not reading the news. Here's a condensed edition taken verbatim from a couple of days of one newspaper.

Coward and bully boy, blood in the abdominal cavity, gay Tory's marital home claim, SATs boycott, hospital blunders, heartbroken father, Brown's ITV crony pension bonanza, MPs take home 28 times the average voter's pay, abusive text messages, terror raid house, channeling money to terrorists, private-jet air hostess, life threatening head injuries ...

Kristina is cold and nasty, glowering henchmen, Hoon hit by new £70k rent row, Black Monday for Jacqui Smith, globe-trotting gap-year jaunt, running scared, campaigner targeted, national security, no more hotpants, all expenses luxury holiday, child attacks soar, Hazel Blears, second post-mortem, life threatening error, chauffeur driven car, low-carb, low-sodium, low-sugar organic diet, growing criticism from senior figures, lucrative international lecture circuit, saving Mrs Blair £6.24, You're fired!, TV porn, juvenile game, expenses of his own wife, secret documents on camera, proxy war ...

Deep in the bowels of Downing Street, sister's box room, grasping colleagues and smearing their opponents, mauled, unjustifiably roughed up, medium-sized similar horrors, long-running violence, human evil, fierce drama, fickle mob, cowardice, treachery, break their promise, smooth politician, utter despair, hopeless agony, lies, betrayal, mistrust, violence, injustice, impunity, cynical power worship, government by crude force, indefensible arrest ...

Unlovely Bob Quick, smacked down very hard, anti terror operations are political propaganda, our worst prime minister, parcel of garbage, cowardly courts, bureaucratic police, doomed war, Green Taliban, mass army of political correctness, my ID wasn't good enough, killing off the earth with all this rubbish, suspenders, bare their torsos, landscape of wrecked and burning cars, 7.15 cattle truck to Westminster, jaded, tipsy and dizzy, head butt threat, biometric ID tests, out of control and swearing, yelling abuse, full-on assault, staring daggers, officer in G20 death probe signs off sick, desperation pain and fear she'll never see her two boys again, dragged to court in handcuffs ...

Battered women's shelter, their pay seems to be out of control, Ms Healy failed to respond to enquiries, cut off his own fingertips, furious family fight to keep father away, Don't blame Hamilton for lying when it goes on all the time in Formula One, New NHS staff alarms "fail to offer enough protection", 1,881 complaints from public but only three prosecutions, bond blow for Chancellor ...

Prudent are being penalised with insurance price rises, fury at the factory gates, a £70,000 bungle but Post Office won't explain, Brown's attack dogs hate women, cut their outgoings to the bone, 70 letters of complaint to the lenders, cash vehicle that fell off a cliff, impossible to value or sell, beats his children with a riding crop, fascist salute, "laughing and dancing" during Hillsborough memorial service, recently found work in a supermarket, a plea for "less angry" Britain ...

"It's time people stopped being so darned pessimistic," says Mandy in cheer-up call to voters ...