The Sketch: Gordon stays in the bunker to avoid doorstep disaster
Thursday, 22 May 2008
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Will Labour get Crewed? They deserve to, don't you think? An aristocrat of the political class, with her own entry in Burke's Landed Gentry, parachutes in to claim her mother's seat by running an anti-elitism campaign against a local Tory with 80 foster siblings.
It's a disaster on the doorstep. So when voters seek clarity they look to Westminster, naturally, the centre of our political life. And what did they see on PMQs yesterday? Our Prime Minister in action. Terrifying sight. His moral compass is now spinning so hard it's producing a helicopter effect. He's all over the place. Wild and whirling he is, running out of fuel. He's stolen so many Tory policies he can't attack them without inflicting flesh wounds on himself. When he says Tories are the party of "tax cuts for the rich" we spend the rest of his answer with thoughts beginning, "But hang on, didn't you...?"
Cameron asked him if the £2.7bn tax reduction was for this year only. This produced an answer aggressive and defensive but with no content. "We want to continue to help," he said. Cameron quoted the Chancellor on Newsnight, "one year only. I've made that clear". Gordon did his grinning thing, shaking his head as if to say, "You just don't understand do you?" But this is the attitude that got him into this mess.
It was desperate stuff. His authority evaporates day by day. In the chamber, at one point no one was listening to him. Hoon frowned, Alan Johnson wearily wiped his face, Ruth Kelly was lost in a dream. He walked straight into it when Cameron asked him why he wasn't going to Crewe. It was a "tradition" that PMs didn'tdo by-elections. Then Cameron read out Tony Blair's vigorous repudiation of the "convention" and compared Blair's desire "to lead from the front" with Brown's bunkering.
And what was the answer to that? The PM rummaged in his bag of replies and pulled one out. Cameron "never addresses issues of substance". But when Brooks Newmark asked him about the trebling of domestic violence cases in a year and the halving of convictions he produced the most insubstantial reply of the day: a) It was all the result of improved advice services and b) the Tory ought to "renounce his membership of the No Turning Back Group".
Is that really how Labour is going to fight back, and re-launch and lay out its vision?
PS: And who is Alky Ada? Gordon has got it in for her. And what's Osama bin Laden doing with my old drunken auntie?
Sirs,
Gordon Brown says that 'Cameron never addresses issues of substance': I wrote to Gordon Brown recently, saying,
'Thirteen years ago my part-time business was compulsorily purchased, and the local council gave me 40 minutes by fax to hand over the keys to the building and everything it contained: they did not negotiate... I took the council to court, but the court negated the value of my expensive legal advice by not following its own rules, practice directions, aspects of the law or legal precedent and made a decision which made me liable for my own costs and some of the council's. I would have expected that my human rights were such that in my case would have been conducted in accordance with the rules of this English Court of Law, but they ignore my complaints to their highest level, and have taken steps to minimise the council's exposure to my legitimate costs...' The office said that my letter is with the Ministry of Justice, who 'may reply'.
Yours sincerely,
David Myers
Posted by David Myers | 22.05.08, 17:09 GMT
Don't worry, Gordon will be extremely busy all weekend, not running the country but on TV and Radio programmes galore explaining this week's PMQ's and the Crewe & N. "event" that was "actually" if you listen to him carefully a major triumph for Labour. You won't be able to escape from his assurances that he is listening to us all and wants to help and save everyone everywhere from poverty and is sorry if we misunderstand and is very very humble.
I guess we can expect to have Gordon on TV and Radio every weekend from now on "explaining" his "Vision" and why what seem like disasters are actually his schemes working very effectively. Oh, and he didn't steal any Tory policies. They were Labour policies that the Tories stole but now Labour have decided it's time to expose Tory duplicity.........
Posted by R.W. | 22.05.08, 14:24 GMT
Toby - you know this is "The Sketch" right? If there were no 'attempts at humour' then the column would be rather empty...
Posted by Ciaran | 22.05.08, 13:50 GMT
Philip -
"ass -eee - an" means ASEAN - the Association of South East Asian Nations. There is nothing PC about it and it is an old established organisation.
Posted by Chas | 22.05.08, 09:33 GMT
Toby - she was parachuted in. She lives in Wales for goodness sake. And it was just because she is the daughter of the deceased MP. It was a hereditary selection. If you doubt this let's have a little wager on how long it is until Tamsin Dunwoody-Kneafsey wins another selection process in her own right. I won't be holding my breath. This was not meritocratic and it is not what the Labour Party should be about.
Posted by Tony | 22.05.08, 08:52 GMT
I thought alky ada was his great grandmother but it was the funniest thing I heard on p.m.q's. At least he got the word asian(Ay-shee-an) right when you compare it to the barmy BBC Bulletins of the last few days who have obviously been instructed by some PC moron to pronounce the word (ass -eee - an).It took me a few seconds to realise that this was not a new organisation but another common word bastardised in the name of political correctness.
Posted by Philip | 22.05.08, 08:43 GMT
Guido and his goons made the Alky Ada gag live on their PMQ chatalong. Perhaps Gordon has been talking to Arabic speakers recently about the organization? The pronunciation "al-Qa' aydaa" is sometimes given, for those trying to be authentic (where Q represents a sound similar to expectoration).
Posted by Loz | 22.05.08, 03:02 GMT
I realise that you're trying to be funny, but you've ended up looking like a joke. Parachuted in was she? Nope, she was selected locally from a list of around 60 candidates. The rest is equally bovine smelly-stuff too.
Next time, save the attempts at humour and just write what you want to say - Vote Conservative.
Posted by Toby | 22.05.08, 01:05 GMT