The Sketch: Our Cabbage Patch PM wins zero marks in the game of bluster

First things first. He was looking so puffy in front-page pictures we remembered the attraction of Cabbage Patch dolls. Then the hair. If you look up at him from underneath you can't see any on his dome-like forehead. And then the interruptions - is this what happens when prime ministerial authority wanes?Journalists start interrupting, pursuing questions as if in an interview?

It was a great pleasure to see him back in the country, tanned and tense as he was. However out of his depth he may have looked (and God/Christ/Jehovah/Allah/Baal knows, the Middle East is bottomless) he was treading water. But it's hard to say anything useful when a proposition as bland as "There are two sides to the conflict" is clearly incorrect.

Nonetheless, some points: "It is essential we take this forward." What does "essential" mean? Why haven't they called for a ceasefire? He might have said: "Calling for a ceasefire would make us look ridiculous because no one would take any notice." Then there was: "Everyone wants." Any statement about the Middle East starting "everyone wants" can only accurately end in two words. "Ice-cream." This two-state solution that "everyone wants" is, for instance, extremely unwanted in Iran. The Prime Minister pointed out that the Iranian President had that morning called for the annihilation of Israel. He was astonished that this hadn't been more widely reported. If any head of state had suggested the solution was to annihilate Syria or Iran we'd be "tearing the house down". It's true. There's a tacit reluctance to engage in "Iranian nutcase" stories because of the lies, distortion and misinformation they peddled us on Iraq. That doesn't excuse us, incidentally.

"What actions are you taking to make Iraq less of a mess?" an Iraqi journalist asked. The PM's answer defeated even his supporters. He said: "If you could get more security into Baghdad it would start to change the whole situation." If you could what, it would what?

An Arab journalist pointed out that they'd heard all this peace process stuff time after time, year after year. Talk after talk. Talking Tony said he wanted to be judged not on what he said but on whether he got anything done. (Wrong!)

"We have to be better and more intelligent, taking the propaganda away from the extremists." But, you may splutter, Arabs hate you, chum! Islamist militias look through the shrapnel blizzard at your calm, Christian features - and mass destruction becomes not just a duty for them but a pleasure. Question: "If we've been so reasonable, why do so many think we've not been even-handed?" Answer: "Because these are very divisive issues." Mark: zero.

sketch@simoncarr.co.uk

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