The Sketch: Some workers are more equal than others, but that's only fair

It's been explained to me more than once but I still don't understand this new Equalities Bill. I didn't learn the language at an early enough age so can't tell when we've crossed the line between inequality and diversity. I'm always getting it the wrong way round and celebrating when I should be condemning (although to be honest, usually the other way round).

It's not my fault. Harriet Harman told us her Bill was necessary because it was fair. That means everything. Or as we say, nothing. Harriet's definition of "fair" is entirely different from mine. Me, I think batsmen should walk when they know they're out: Harriet thinks the game is so structurally unequal all the players should be in jail. Correct me if I'm wrong. The big thing is that employers will now be able to offer a job to a candidate from a discriminated-against group to correct diversity imbalance in their workforce. But only if all the candidates were of equal merit. But can't employers do that already? If they can't it's only because of some previous damn fool equality legislation.

But was it really illegal? A company making brassieres wasn't allowed to employ more women without fear of being sued? That's just silly enough to be true. The rush of moral pleasure brought colour to her lovely complexion as she said it will be illegal to discriminate against old people in hospital. That gives us a moment's pause because didn't this Government pass a law allowing hospitals to starve old people to death? Or more efficiently, "to withdraw hydration"? Is that to be recriminalised? It's political correctness gone mad!

When pressed to be interesting she doughtily refused. "Will it be legal to choose a white woman over a black man?" asked Graham Brady. Harriet only admitted there were different levels of discrimination. Yes, unpicking, balancing, weighing and counter-weighing multiple discrimination will provide work for diversity consultants for generations. And lucky linguists will enjoy a surge of opportunity as companies need identical jobs to be renamed and reclassified to prove that there is no significant pay gap.

Harriet is proposing £160bn of public procurement be used to persuade private companies to conform to this equal pay directive (actually, I think it originally emanates from the EU). But will public services improve? "The 9.06 on platform 1 is three days late but has the smallest average pay differential in the Diversity Register."

It certainly cheered up the people who like this sort of thing so it might do something for Harriet's chances in the forthcoming leadership battle. Don't laugh. She beat Alan Johnson, and for all his burly ambition she could certainly beat Ed Balls.

simoncarr@sketch.sc

Interesting? Click here to explore further