The Sketch: Straight-faced Des drones his way to a bore-draw

Having just returned from abroad, the first I'd heard of the cash-for-captives story was a Sky banner headline on a silent screen. "Sailors' stories: minister takes full responsibility." Good grief, I thought, Des Browne has prevented the sailors from speaking to the media. He'll have to resign! "No, no," my colleague told me, "it's the opposite. He'll still have to resign, though."

On the most forgiving interpretation, the minister has been undone by a poor editorial decision. Had the sailors' stories been any good, none of this would have happened. The combination of instant surrender, a confiscated iPod and £80,000 from the tabloids has created a picture of British power that delights our enemies more than our friends.

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Des did rather well, considering what he had to work with. He began by naming nine soldiers who had been killed in the past fortnight. That was clever. The statement told little we didn't know.

But in the omissions there are some whopping questions left unasked. Did the Prime Minister really know nothing about it until Sunday, three or four days after they were released?

Is he really that disengaged? Also, Queen's Regulations are very clear on the subject of payment for military stories. Why did the minister make this error for which he accepts responsibility?

Malcolm Rifkind asked what instructions were given to British personnel in the matter of making phony apologies. Des said he was "not in a position to make a judgement". Moreover, there was "no legitimate criticism to be made of the young people".

He's more of a straight face than a safe pair of hands, is Des. He said some outrageous things with such uninflected dullness that you find it impossible to generate indignation. When criticised for not saying sorry, he said, "I have expressed a degree of regret than can be equated to an apology". There's no answer to that. Except snoring.,

His final line of defence is: "I take full responsibility." Kate Hoey praised his courage for doing that and then asked what scale of mistake would a minister have to make for it to be a resigning matter? "I decline the invitation to set out the parameters" Des replied. And the House dozed on.

simoncarr@sketch.sc

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