Terence Blacker: Don't shoot that puppy - take it for a walk

The workers must be returning to their desks now. There are more sun-tans around, and a general air of grumpiness. As is traditional at this time of the year, a dictionary of office-talk, written by an office-worker to make other office-workers smile at the darndest things that are said in offices, has been published. This one, called Shooting the Puppy, reveals that business folk, when deciding to do something ruthless, will say, "Hey, guys. Let's shoot the puppy."

And those around the table will reply, 'Yeah, go for it. We'll wallpaper the water-cooler!"

"Hypertrash the low-hanging fruit baskets!"

"Dump a bonus brick on the toiletheads!"

Nobody really knows what any of this gibberish means. It merely draws those in the business community together and makes them feel as if they live in an exclusive world with its own witty, ass-kicking language. But there are people who live outside the office community, for whom puppy-shooting is unnecessarily unkind and aggressive. We have our own freelance jargon.

Dead-legging the croissant-catchers. Away from office life, those who go to breakfast meetings, known as "croissant-catchers", are regarded as profoundly dysfunctional. Breakfast, for the freelance, is a time for the sluggish form of thought known as "brain-drizzling". In the unlikely event of one of us being asked out to breakfast, the response will be definitively negative - a dead-leg.

Walking the dog. Instead of commuting, many non-office dwellers like to gain a sense of forward movement into the day by "walking the dog". Similar activities include "buying the papers from the shop" and "filling the bird-feeder".

A bog brain-drizzler. Out here in the free world, thought is a process, not a detonation. Faced by a problem, we choose not to blitz, storm, strafe or carpet-bomb our way to a solution. "Brain-drizzling", the non-office version of brainstorming, often occurs during post-breakfast ablutions.

Commuter surfing. Sometimes, when in a childish mood (a good thing, in the anti-office world), a freelance might get in the car and drive in the opposite direction to the early-morning traffic, thus emphasising his or her rejection of the herd instinct in a relatively harmless way.

Call-centre-jockeys. For the freelance, a telephone call - even a sales call from Bangalore - is an exciting event. A skilled call-centre jockey will "ride" nuisance callers for 10 or 15 minutes until they ring off in exasperation.

Clarksoneering.Those who work outside offices often find themselves involved in a pointless, energy-consuming exercise which reminds them of the futility of modern life. The term was coined after Jeremy Clarkson spent all day driving a 4x4 up a mountain in Scotland before getting stuck.

OSIMADA! Standing for "Oh Shit I Missed Another Deadline Again!", OSIMADA has become a jargon description of a freelance who likes to live in a permanent state of career meltdown.

Minitasking. Office-led conventional wisdom has established the idea that doing several things at the same time is somehow commendable. The freelance world sees it differently. The ideal is to "minitask", or do a single thing slowly, beautifully and well.

Bottom-copying for the dog. Some people find it surprisingly difficult to move from an office environment into a freer world and attempt, in a rather sad way, to recreate what they have lost. They stand on their own doorstep smoking a cigarette. They put jokey messages on filing cabinets only seen by them. In moments of high spirits, they sit on the photocopier and, hooting with embarrassed laughter, show the results to the dog.

Me-lances. These, in contrast, are people who have worked alone for so long that to discuss anything but their own work and lives makes them physically ill.

Deck-chairing the problem. Quite often, staring at a computer, talking on the telephone or even brain-drizzling will not solve a problem. The experienced freelance, sometimes also known as a "napmeister", will find a comfy chair, put a newspaper over his head, close his eyes and "deck-chair it". Soon, the problem will be completely forgotten.

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