A London hotel is boasting about a loo with a directional massage jet, automatic lid, "power deodoriser", heated seat, and, slightly terrifyingly, a "rimless bowl with triple-jet tornado flush".
Billed as London's most expensive loo, it will cost £10,000 for your very own Toto Neorest LE or £1,850 per night to spend a penny at the May Fair hotel.
While Japan has been famous for hi-tech loos for years, Brits have been content with a more basic approach to that most basic function. But now Toto, which launched the first paperless bidet-toilet hybrid in 1980, is trying to convince us of the merits of robotic conveniences. It opened a UK showroom in 2010 and reports growing demand.
To which we say, bog off! This is the land of ballcock inventor, Thomas Crapper, and vast arrays of loo rolls. We're supposed to look at bidets as if they have landed from another planet (or France). And if we wanted to conclude our seated ablutions with a "tornado jet" we'd travel to Kansas during storm season.