January. England's cricket team in India are crippled by injuries, but fail to call up David Gower. But Keith Fletcher stresses to waiting reporters that 'David's still very much in our gameplan.'
February. Chris Eubank announces his next title fight, against Rattling Rocky Robson, 73, of Southend. Observers give Eubank a good chance of victory.
March. Oxford win Boat Race. Tongue Sandwich wins Cheltenham Gold Cup. The First Division of the Football League decides to break away and become the Second Division of the Premier League. The Second Division (the old Third Division) becomes the First Division, and the Third Division (Fourth Division) the Second Division. Eleven sports statisticians commit suicide.
April. Having disposed of Rattling Rocky in a 15-round nail-biter, Chris Eubank announces his next opponent, Kid McCoy, the 1897 World Middleweight Champion, now making a comeback. Rumours that McCoy may be dead are described as 'an evil and unparalleled calumny' by Eubank's management. Wandering Hands wins Grand National.
May. Cancelled after unseasonal snow flurries.
June. Despite hundreds of runs in every competition, Gower is not picked for the first Test against Australia. Keith Fletcher tells reporters that 'David's still very much in our gameplan.' Trouser Snake wins Derby.
July. Rumours abound that the new First Division of the Football League (the old Third Division) is feeling left out and wants to join the Premier League too. GM Vauxhall Conference teams are canvassed to see if they feel like becoming the new Second Division if the old Second Division (Fourth) becomes the First when the First (Third) leaves. A coachload of statisticians drives off Beachy Head.
August. After his brilliant 12-round defeat of the late Kid McCoy, Chris Eubank announces that he will next fight that worthy champion of the underprivileged, Mother Teresa. Although the Nobel Prize-winning nun is not thought to have boxed professionally before, Eubank says he anticipates 'a good clean fight'. Take Me Gently wins at York.
September. After scoring 2,000 first- class runs and attending at least four net practices, Gower is not picked for the tour of West Indies. Keith Fletcher tells reporters that 'David's still very much in our gameplan, which is never to let him play for England again.'
October. 'Mounting Excitement' wins the Cesarewitch. The Jockey Club institutes an inquiry into horses' names, to report in 1996.
November. Talks between the new First Division of the Football League (the old Third Division) and the Premier League break down when it is revealed that the Second Division (the old Fourth Division) has barged in at the last moment and become the new Third Division of the Premier League. The old Third Division (now First) applies to join the Scottish League, the GM Vauxhall Conference becomes the First Division of the Football League, and Altrincham win the League title at their first attempt. A 747 full of statisticians crashes into the Alps after a 'technical failure'.
December. After his disputed points victory over Mother Teresa, Chris Eubank announces that his next opponent will be a table lamp, recently purchased from Habitat by his mother. Screams of Delight wins the King George VI Chase.