More drums! More drums!
To reclaim the Olympics, we must try to undermine the catastrophes inflicted upon our planet by Olympian disciplines. Fight the muscle-mad faster, plaster, master and mistress madness with these sports of gentler and environmentally friendly proportions.
Gardeners' Equestrian Time: Ask the questions that really matter, like how high is a hand.
Softball: Reclaim hardness.
Rowing: Free the skulls.
The Shot: Melt down the weighty burden.
Archery: Miss the target with your arrow and save a tree.
111 Hurdles: That extra one would cause chaos.
Water polo: Withdraw the mint-fluoridation process now (it causes mint ozone holes).
Shooting: Prevent the air from being shot and injured in the air pistol event.
Boxing: The rope is made from hemp, a natural fibre. Protest by standing in the way of the first punch.
Fencing: This denial of rambler's rights must be pulled down.
Epee: Stop this false feminisation of the EP world record.
Gymnastics: Stop this cruel jumping over poor Mr Pommel Horse by rescuing him from that prone position.
3,000m Steeplechase: A blood sport - have you ever been pricked by a steeple? Join the James Hunt Saboteurs and save a tyre.
Beach Volleyball: The ecologically vital sandworm is being driven from its home by this vacuous activity. Insert a lead weight into the ball and chuckle.
Javelin: Replace all implements with rubber facsimilies and save the earth from being punctured.
Sailing: Re-use material from car-boot sails only.
Swimming: Shades of elitism as aquanauts compete in pools filled with natural water from the Alps - free of all chemicals (especially chlorine).
Diving: A rung down the prestige ladder, with carbonated spring water filling the pool.