Football Diary: Arresting joys of meat pies

WHEN the West Midlands police disbanded their serious crime squad, did they transfer the officers to football crowd control? The region generates a deal of criticism from those travelling fans who report for the National Federation of Football Supporters' Clubs third annual survey. Complainants claim to have been ejected from Villa Park for such things as eating a pie in public and standing up to go to the toilet. By contrast, though, Portsmouth fans visiting Oxford United were grateful for being escorted into a covered area to shelter them from a sudden downpour. A case of the police being struck by enlightenment during a storm.

Such inconsistency is a problem. Travelling fans can encounter vast differences in policing methods, according to Cyril Wood, the federation's Travel and Crowd Control Officer. 'We need a better nationally co-ordinated system of working,' he said. 'Because of the different methods used by police, fans don't know what is expected of them.' Stay away seems to be the message in some areas.

AT LAST it can be told - the story of Simon Stainrod's England 'career'. The widely travelled striker, now in charge at Ayr United, got as far as the bench against Brazil in Rio 10 years ago and, the way he tells it, seemed set to enter the fray when Bobby Robson clasped his arm, saying: 'We need a goal.' Yet before Stainrod could rise, the manager barked: 'Get warmed up . . . Sammy Lee.' John Barnes scored his wonder goal and Lee stayed put. As for Stainrod, he knew his number was up when Robson kept calling him 'Steve'.

THE wasteful striker's cry of 'I was put off by a bobble' will no longer carry much weight when playing against the Faroe Islands. Their goalkeeper, Jens Martin Knudsen, has hung up his hat. The international minnow's new coach, the former Danish international, Allan Simonsen, has said that 'Faroese football shall not be held up to ridicule.' But it could be something to do with Norwich police hunting a bobble-hatted man seen riding away on a bicycle with two huge wooden didgeridoos after a raid on a music shop.

AS club vs country tussles go, Oldbury United against England looks like no contest. But Stuart Lampitt, the Worcestershire all-rounder, will join the Midland Alliance minnows next month provided he is not needed for the England A tour to India. On stand-by, Lampitt is favourite for the call if Craig White drops out of the Ashes squad and an A party member, such as Dominic Cork, is promoted. Oldbury - nicknamed The Cricketts - await a decision eagerly.

CATHERINE BELL has not missed a Bury home game for five years, so last Saturday she curtailed her celebrations to dash off in her wedding dress to Gigg Lane, with disbelieving new husband Mark McDonald in tow. She arrived in time to hear the whistle blow on the Shakers' 2-0 win over Scunthorpe. Catherine's devotion was rewarded with an invitation to the directors' lounge.

READING may be known as the Royals but it is Middlesbrough who have royal approval to gain promotion. The First Division club is giving new strips to the princes, William and Henry, after hearing that Wills' is a Boro fan. It'll be Heirsome Park next.

Talking of royalty, the number of Socialists XIs sent in suggests the political opinion polls may be right for once. The choice of Martin Jacques (once of Marxism Today but now elsewhere) as sub in an XI of Spurs players almost swung it, but the winner of the Wild Turkey Bourbon is Sam Bedford, of Hereford, for:

SOCIALISTS XI: National Union of SEAMAN; Pol POTTS, The COOPERerative Society, MAY Day, TROTT (Northampton); Working KLAS Ingesson, Jamie RedKNAPP, DALEY Worker; KERR Hardy, MARSHALL Tito, RUSHian. Substitutes: BARBER (Luton) Meinhoff Group, DANNY (The Red) Wallace, Tolpuddle MARTYNs.

Next week: A Milliners XI. Entries to Football Diary, The Independent, 40 City Road, London EC1Y 2DB.

News
newsAnother week, another dress controversy on the internet
Life and Style
Scientist have developed a test which predicts whether you'll live for another ten years
health
Life and Style
Marie had fake ID, in the name of Johanna Koch, after she evaded capture by the Nazis in wartime Berlin
historyOne woman's secret life as a Jew in wartime Berlin
News
news... and what your reaction to the creatures above says about you
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Caption competition
Caption competition
Latest stories from i100
Daily Quiz
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

Career Services
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Telesales & Customer Service Executive - Call Centre Jobs

£7 - £9 per hour: Recruitment Genius: Are you outgoing? Do you want to work in...

Ashdown Group: Finance Manager - Covent Garden, central London - £45k - £55k

£45000 - £55000 per annum + 30 days holiday: Ashdown Group: Finance Manager - ...

Ashdown Group: Systems Administrator - Lancashire - £30,000

£28000 - £30000 per annum: Ashdown Group: 3rd Line Support Engineer / Network ...

Recruitment Genius: Graduate Web Developer

£26000 - £33000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Web Developer is required to ...

Day In a Page

Syrian conflict is the world's first 'climate change war', say scientists, but it won't be the last one

Climate change key in Syrian conflict

And it will trigger more war in future
How I outwitted the Gestapo

How I outwitted the Gestapo

My life as a Jew in wartime Berlin
The nation's favourite animal revealed

The nation's favourite animal revealed

Women like cuddly creatures whilst men like creepy-crawlies
Is this the way to get young people to vote?

Getting young people to vote

From #VOTESELFISH to Bite the Ballot
Poldark star Heida Reed: 'I don't think a single bodice gets ripped'

Poldark star Heida Reed

'I don't think a single bodice gets ripped'
The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

Netanyahu knows he can get away with anything in America, says Robert Fisk
Families clubbing together to build their own affordable accommodation

Do It Yourself approach to securing a new house

Community land trusts marking a new trend for taking the initiative away from developers
Head of WWF UK: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

David Nussbaum: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

The head of WWF UK remains sanguine despite the Government’s failure to live up to its pledges on the environment
Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Set in a mythologised 5th-century Britain, ‘The Buried Giant’ is a strange beast
With money, corruption and drugs, this monk fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’

Money, corruption and drugs

The monk who fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’
America's first slavery museum established at Django Unchained plantation - 150 years after slavery outlawed

150 years after it was outlawed...

... America's first slavery museum is established in Louisiana
Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

The first 'American Idol' winner on how she manages to remain her own woman – Jane Austen fascination and all
Tony Oursler on exploring our uneasy relationship with technology with his new show

You won't believe your eyes

Tony Oursler's new show explores our uneasy relationship with technology. He's one of a growing number of artists with that preoccupation
Ian Herbert: Peter Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

The England coach leaves players to find solutions - which makes you wonder where he adds value, says Ian Herbert
War with Isis: Fears that the looming battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

The battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

Aid agencies prepare for vast exodus following planned Iraqi offensive against the Isis-held city, reports Patrick Cockburn