'Andy Pearce; Andy Pearce;
He gets the ball; and scores a goal;
CARLTON PALMER and Paul Gascoigne are chalk and cheese when it comes to midfield styles but they deserve their own show after forming a dream comedy double act in Graham Taylor - The Impossible Job (C4, Monday 9pm). At an England training camp Gascoigne, pretending to be consumed by nerves, walks up to Palmer, who assumes the manager's mantle. Gazza: 'Hello, boss, are you playing us?' Palmer: 'I think you've had too many Mars Bars this week.' Gazza: 'Oh no, please let me play, boss.' Palmer: 'You're lucky to be here, son. You've got good feet but you've got a f****d-up knee, a f****d up brain and a f****d-up belly.'
THE art of abuse, Toon Army style (v QPR). Step one, berate the oppo's fans: 'You couldn't sell all your tickets'. Step two, berate the whole team: 'There's only one Stockport County'. Step three, berate individual players (Rangers' tyro goalkeeper, Tony Roberts): 'Dodgy Keeper, Dodgy Keeper'. This mantra lasts the second half interspersed with: 'There's only one dodgy keeper', 'Dodgy, Dodgy give us a wave', and, finally, 'Dodgy, Dodgy, what's the score?'
AT THE XIII International Conference on Physics in Collision in Heidelberg, Germany, one distinguished speaker gave his views on 'proton and neutron structure function measurements from fixed-target experiments'. He paid particular attention to 'results on unpolarized structure functions' which had 'stablilised for x Demonstration Team - a sort of quadruped Red Arrows - to steal a ball off a group of startled Saints. They thought briefly of winning it back until the lab sunk his teeth into it.
THE decline of English Football, Part 784: Howard Wilkinson pointed out recently that one cause of poor control among young players is that kids' kickabouts are on the wane. Sonic the Hedgehog is only partly to blame. A teenaged Midlander is being prosecuted in Tamworth under a council by-law for playing football in the road. He appeared before magistrates this week charged with 'playing football in a street in such a manner as to cause obstruction to traffic or annoyance or danger to any person (sic)'. He has been bailed until 7 February.
THE bottle of Wild Turkey Bourbon for freak fact of the week goes to John Graupner, of Pucklechurch, for this:
'The England team who eventually beat the might of San Marino last November (Seaman; Dixon, Pallister, Walker, Pearce, Platt, Ince, Ripley, Ferdinand, Wright, Sinton) have not managed to score a goal in domestic competition in 1994.'
More bourbon next week. Freak facts to Football Diary, The Independent, 40 City Road, London EC1Y 2DB.Reuse content