Club: Bristol Rovers.
Appearance: A 6ft foam pirate.
Crime sheet: Squaring up to Chewitsaurus, the confectionery company mascot that makes occasional appearances at Rovers' games, during their penalty shoot-out contests. Although matters have not got too out of hand - "Captain Gas is shy, he's not exactly a swashbuckler," a club spokesman said - some of his other behaviour is truly sick-making. "If the kids shout at him," said one insider at Rovers, "then he'll go all coy, and duck his head like Princess Diana. Sometimes he evens wags his finger at the crowd as if they've been naughty." Not exactly brutal, but when you're a giant foam pirate in the habit of brandishing a plastic sword while imitating doe-eyed Royals in an attempt to silence high-spirited children, you don't have to be.
In mitigation, your Honour: The person inside Captain Gas has a heart of gold, according to the club, who would not give The Sweeper his name. He actually sponsors himself and appears every week for nothing. We wouldn't want to embarrass anyone, but do your fellow employees at RMB Landscapes in Bristol know where you are every Saturday, Captain?