Blackpool boss Ian Holloway believes his odds on re-signing DJ Campbell are as long as on him becoming a drag queen.
Striker Campbell has enjoyed three separate spells at Blackpool in recent seasons, scoring 36 goals in 72 appearances before joining QPR last summer in a £1.2million deal.
The 30-year-old, however, found himself on the fringes of Mark Hughes' squad, which had raised Holloway's hopes of luring him back to Bloomfield Road for a fourth time.
But Campbell's excessive wages have scuppered any move, as Holloway said: "I don't think there's a chance in a million years we'll be able to do a deal to get DJ back.
"Because of how much they are paying him at the moment at QPR, it's not going to happen.
"We are about as close to re-signing DJ Campbell as there is of me wearing high heels and calling myself Sheila."
Speaking to the Blackpool Gazette, a saddened Holloway added: "I do apologise, I'd have loved to have brought DJ back."
Ahead of the new season, which begins tomorrow with a Capital One Cup first-round clash at home to north west neighbours Morecambe, Holloway is without another striker in Kevin Phillips with a hamstring injury, along with defender Bob Harris with a back problem.
Morecambe manager Jim Bentley, who has a full squad to choose from, is under no illusion just how difficult the tie will be for his npower League Two side.
On the club's official website, Bentley said: "We have had some good results in this competition over the past few years and it would be great to chalk up another good result against a team that were challenging for the Premiership last year.
"It will be tough because Blackpool have some great players, but we know we have enough in our squad to give them a tough game."