De Cockneys told me: 'Calm down, calm down'

Stan Hey enters the would-be publishing world of Wayne Rooney and helps him pen an opening chapter
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Dear Hunter Davies,

Here are some more pages for de book. I spoke de words to Coleen using my Dictaphone (most people use their finger!) and she has typed dem on to hotel note-paper. Not Basildon Bond but, erm, Baden-Baden Bond. She's kept all my "erms" in but you can take dem out. More stuff after Sunday's game with, who is it again, Col?

Tuesday 20 June

Started me first game in de World Cup! But Mikey Owen took all the attention by getting injured in de first minute. Sod's Law, isn't it, like? Just as I get fit he gets crocked.

I thought Sven would throw Theo [Walcott] on but off the bench comes de lad we call "Butcher's", Crouchie - in training I said that I'd seen more meat on a butcher's apron. And it stuck.

Game against Sweden went by in a flash. Me foot stood up well especially when I did, erm, a toe-end trap on Golden Bollocks's (David Beckham) long pass and nearly got me shot in. Just getting me second wind when I got de tug from Sven. Couldn't believe it!

What's the point of me performing a miracle on me broken foot, helped by dozens of novenas said by millions of England fans, den not playing a full game? Like I said when I flew in from the ozzy after getting de all-clear, "De Big Man is Back". But Dr Sven thinks he knows best.

I had a right cob-on when I walked off. Punched de roof of de dug-out. Kicked off me boots and chucked dem on to de ground. I was steamin'. De Cockney lads were all doing dere Scouse impressions - "Calm down, calm down!" - which I did after about an hour.

Den I had to go round and apologise, like. First of all to Nikey, for disrespecting dere boots. Den to Mikey Owen, who was sitting in de dressing room wid a face like a robber's dog. Den to Sven - "Wayne, with what happened to Michael I had to make sure that you did not injure yourself also! The English press would think that I was a bigger idiot than they already do."

"But you said I was match-fit at a press conference, so dat makes me look a divvy if you pull me off. Dey'll all start saying I've been on de bevvy or eating all de pies. Doing a Ronaldo diet. But I haven't touched a drop, even though dey serve pints in big jars round here! All I wanna do is play footie, for 90 minutes, for ever, and get goals so dat we win dis Jools Holland Trophy!"

After dat we shook hands and he promised I'd gerra full 90 against Equidoor... (check spelling Coleen, will yer? Sounds more like a DIY store).

Wednesday 21 June

When I woke up didn't have a single ache in me body. Beginning to think dat God chose me to work his wonders on. Biggest comeback since Lazarus, me.

I told de Nike people about dis when dey was doing me poster - dey got de idea of me having me arms out wide, with me body daubed wid red paint like de Cross of St George. Minty, it was. St Wayne of Croxteth. Think I'll even build me own church when I, erm, retire.

De breakfasts had finally got sorted. No more of dat cheese wid holes in it, or slices of wild boar or yogerts (check spelling, Coleen - youse eats dem all the time)... just proper stuff like bacon, toast, baked beans and Frosties.

De van for de scan picked up Rio, Mikey O and Gary Nev. Might have to get a bigger van de way it's going. Started to think that Baden-Baden is like another BB, Big Brother - who's getting chucked out de 'ouse next?

Helped Sven sort de defence out on set-pieces, but dese muppets couldn't stop me scoring a hat-trick! Stevie G and Jamie C both gave me a smack round de 'ead for showing off.

Dossed during de afternoon. Been reading a book, de Gideon Bible. Must be a sequel, like, to de Da Vinci Code. Coleen was out shopping. She's taken a fancy to some German pottery - Myson she called it. Mikey Owen packed for home - asked if I wanted any bets putting on for Royal Ascot!

Watched de Portugal and Holland games, because we play one of dem after Equidoor. I hope it's Portugal cos I did me foot in against dem last time, and I owe dem a kickin', like.

Friday 23 June

Full training session wid me as lone forward and "Butcher's" as drinks-carrier. Scored 14 goals, dough nine of dem was past Jamesie, so they don't really count, do dey?

Dat's all for now, Hunter. Thinking about titles - how about, erm, "Book of Roons"? or "Over the Roon"? Cheers, Wayne.