From Advocaat to Zidane: the words that matched the deeds

The target is always the same for me - to make no mistakes.

The target is always the same for me - to make no mistakes.

Urs Meier, the Swiss referee who disallowed England's 'winner' v Portugal, before the tournament.

My programme has been moved to accommodate David Beckham and his boyfriends chasing an inflated sheep's pancreas round some field in Portugal.

Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear presenter.

England fans will be talking about their 1-0 win for years.

Clive Tyldesley, ITV commentator, shortly before France's Zinedine Zidane scored the first of his two goals.

Five per cent of me's disappointed. The other 50 per cent is just happy we've qualified.

Michael Owen, after England came second in their group.

They say an unmade bed is art. But what Zidane does - now that's art.

Gordon Strachan, TV summariser and apparent critic of Tracey Emin.

This is the last day I speak to you. I never cared what you write anyway. I'm more of a man than all of you put together. You've made up so many stories now. You slaughter us from morning to night.

Christian Vieri gives his 'last-ever' press conference to Italy's media.

Perhaps we need to give Germany a handicap, like in golf. Say, a two-goal lead.

Franz Beckenbauer, former West Germany captain and coach.

Oliver Kahn looks as if he has glass fibres on his head. It's horrendous, neither fish nor meat.

Michael Jung, Germany's top hair stylist.

Latvia for breakfast. Netherlands for lunch. Germany for dinner.

Czech Republic fans' banner after their 100 per cent group record.

Colour-wise, it's oranges and lemons, with the Dutch in all-white.

Clive Tyldesley, at the Netherlands v Sweden match.

Do players here think they're in the shop window? You only have to see their faces when they hear Roman Abramovich is in the stadium.

Alan Curbishley, Charlton manager and BBC radio pundit.

People laugh when I tell them my name. I was taking a video out and was asked my name. The assistant cracked up and shouted to his mate: 'I've got Wayne Rooney here'. But it's never been easy. My old man's name is Mickey Rooney.

Wayne Rooney, Brummie plasterer, reveals all to The Sun.

Wayne's the antithesis of Beckham. He'll never wear a sarong out in Liverpool.

Dave Barraclough, co- designer of Rooney's new 'urbanwear' range.

Rooney - Talented and Spirited Sweetie.

Le Monde headline.

Wayne Rooney is the new Harry Potter.

AS newspaper, of Spain, on the tournament's 'best-seller'.

Why I'd drop Wayne Rooney and build the team around Michael Owen.

Tony Adams, ex-England captain, in the Daily Mail.

Rooney is excellent but Pele is unique. There will never be another Pele, not in a thousand years. Not even in a computer game.

Luiz Felipe Scolari, Portugal coach, after Sven Goran Eriksson likened Rooney's impact to the 17-year-old Pele in the 1958 World Cup.

Eriksson does this all the time, substituting offensive players with defensive ones. He is cowardly. His tactics cost England a chance of success.

Terry Paine, South African TV analyst and member of Alf Ramsey's 1966 squad, after England's exit.

Shame on the Swiss referee, the ementhal-eating appeasement monkey who ruined the lives of millions of honest yeomen bearing their simple flag.

Justin Cartwright, novelist, in London's Evening Standard.

A lot of you (journalists) say I don't work, that it's all luck. I have won 16 lucky titles during my career.

'Big Phil' Scolari, after Portugal beat England in the quarter-finals.

I recently explained to Brooklyn that you can't win everything. He even has to win arcade games. It's hard telling a child you can't win all the time. Maybe this time, after Portugal, he will have to explain it all back to me.

David Beckham.

It's not the penalty spot's fault if Beckham wants to impersonate Jonny Wilkinson. It seems one player had a particular problem with the spot, but none of the others. Everyone can draw their own conclusions.

William Gaillard, Uefa communications director.

I don't know what it is about David Beckham and kicking.

Serena Williams, after England were knocked out by Portugal.

Now I'm going home to give my wife a hug, because I'm not sure I can manage anything else.

Scolari, after Portugal reached the last four.

We just can't match the big footballing nations.

Rudi Völler, Germany coach, after elimination by the Czech 'reserves'.

They've tasted both sides of the coin now.

Andy Townsend, ITV, after the Netherlands finally won a shoot-out.

(Dick) Advocaat should be hung. No, that would be too quick. Stoned.

Jan Mulder, the Dutch manager's arch TV critic, before defeat by Portugal.

What's my recipe for success? Recipes are for cakes.

Karel Bruckner, Czech Republic coach.

You could see it during the game - we really love each other.

Stelios Giannakopoulos, the Bolton midfielder, on Greece's 'spirit'.

I'm the only man in Athens allowed to drive in the bus lane.

Otto Rehhagel, Greece's German coach.

Rehhagel, the oldie of football, has proved what theorists always dispute: that it is possible to be successful without any acknowledgement of modern tactical variations. His simple recipe comes from the era of the grandads.

Kicker, German magazine.

You cannot have 'stars' in a winning team. Only great players.

Scolari, on his handling of Ronaldo with Brazil and Luis Figo with Portugal.

Ambience, friendship, work, affection. That's all.

Scolari analyses his 'winning formula'.

The good news is that Saddam faces the death penalty. The bad news is that Beckham's taking it.

E-mail and text message circulated as the former Iraq dictator went on trial.