Mark Steel on World Cup 2014: There’s only way to save punditry from oblivion – ditch the footballers and choose at random from the electoral register

 

Ed Miliband needs to learn from Phil Neville. Because Phil’s commentating style was so lacking in passion that the Manaus stadium could have burned down on Saturday, and as the fans fled in terror Phil would have said: “Well, that’s what flames can do. If you leave them unmarked. Quite hot there now. Lots of stuff melting. Not what you want to see as a manager.”

But it’s not his fault, because like Ed Miliband, all of the pundits must be trained to sound boring. Alan Shearer can’t be that bland in real life, he was an astounding player and he’s a Geordie. Maybe at a colder World Cup in Russia he’ll revert to type, take his top off outside, climb up a pylon, drop his trousers and scream “Oy Lineker, I bet none of yer crisps are this flavour man,” before being detained for a year in a St Petersburg jail.

Millionaire footballers can’t normally have conversations in the anodyne tones they employ as pundits. On nights out do they mutter: “Well, obviously he’ll be disappointed to lose fifty grand in a casino, but you know, now he can hire a prostitute and, you know, be pleased for an opportunity to bounce back?” 

Even Thierry Henry has turned dull. He looks beautiful and sounds silkily French but all he says is that the team losing will be hoping to do better in the second half. So the best way to watch him is with the sound off, so you can imagine he’s saying “Ah you suggest the striker will hope for a decent cross, but what is hope? Is it that of which we are capable but to which we have never attained, or something more transcendent, beyond our imagination – which may become perfect if he gets in behind the central defenders while staying onside.”

 

Instead, like the politicians, they seem to think that when speaking in public you should on no account say anything instinctive or with passion, as it may be interpreted as alarming or controversial. So Ed’s ideal interview would be one in which he was allowed to hum the answer “mmm mm mm-mm mmm mmm mm mm-mm mmm” to the tune of New York New York as this could in no way be seen as being soft on the Middle East.

When you see clips of football pundits in the Seventies you can’t help but feel nostalgic, because like the politicians of the time even if they were dreadful at least they were human. Derek Dougan would say something like “That was never a penalty”, and Brian Clough would call him an ignorant bucket of donkey sick, so they’d whack each other with sections of the World of Sport logo while Jimmy Hill laughed “come on boys”.

But now everyone’s trained in media skills, until they’re so skilled at media there’s no point in them being on the media as they’ve got nothing to say.

They’ll be teaching it at primary schools soon, so you’ll ask your six-year-old if she ate all the ice cream, and she’ll say: “First of all, thanks for asking me to come into the kitchen to discuss this, mum. Look, I know you do a very difficult job very well and come under a great deal of pressure. But I too face a range of tough choices, and that’s why I’m working jolly hard to go forward in doing what’s best for all of us.”

But as Phil Neville and Ed Miliband are finding out, a clinically moderate tone devoid of emotion is so perfectly designed to not upset anyone, it upsets everyone.

So to start with, football pundits should be chosen at random from the electoral roll, in the same way as juries. This would be a better method than restricting the post to people who watch football regularly, as they would be the most hopeless of all. The commentator would say “So, the match kicks off with England playing from left to right” and the pundit would chip in “Sort it OUT Hodgson you WANKER. I can’t BELIEVE this, nine seconds and we’re not beating Costa Rica he’s got to GO”.

Even before that, they’d yell “COME on England we’re STATIC, where’s the MOVEMENT?” until the commentator told us they were still singing the national anthem.

Another option would be to choose deliberately opinionated pundits, so Gary Lineker would say “What did you make of the first half, George Galloway?” And he’d say “This is a midfield as pusillanimous as it is deleterious, its passing not just wayward but certifiably devoid of any identifiable direction, a disgrace to the upstanding heroism of the Cameroonian people they deign to represent.” And Gary would say “OK George, clearly not impressed, but what are your thoughts Dalai Lama?”

This would be an improvement, although inevitably it would lead to Nigel Farage being on almost every match.

But chosen by lottery, the pundits would reflect the concerns, the passion and the excitement levels of the nation. Some of the pundits would cry, some might ask why the one at the back was allowed to pick the ball up, and some might miss the game as they were watching a cat in a dishwasher on YouTube. But humanity would be restored, firstly to sporting commentary and then to our democracy.

Because even flawed humanity is preferable to cultivated nothingness, and seeing this to be true, Ed Miliband would feel free to unleash the tiger inside him that’s bursting to claw its way out. 

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
News
A boy holds a chick during the Russian National Agricultural Exhibition Golden Autumn 2014 in Moscow on October 9, 2014.
news
Life and Style
love + sex
Arts and Entertainment
Victoria Wood, Kayvan Novak, Alexa Chung, Chris Moyles
tvReview: No soggy bottoms, but plenty of other baking disasters on The Great Comic Relief Bake Off
Sport
Ashley Young celebrates the winner for Manchester United against Newcastle
footballNewcastle 0 Man United 1: Last minute strike seals precious victory
Life and Style
Tikka Masala has been overtaken by Jalfrezi as the nation's most popular curry
food + drink
Arts and Entertainment
Seth Rogan is one of America’s most famous pot smokers
filmAmy Pascal resigned after her personal emails were leaked following a cyber-attack sparked by the actor's film The Interview
News
Benjamin Netanyahu and his cartoon bomb – the Israeli PM shows his ‘evidence’
people
Arts and Entertainment
80s trailblazer: comedian Tracey Ullman
tv
News
i100
Life and Style
A statue of the Flemish geographer Gerard Kremer, Geradus Mercator (1512 - 1594) which was unveiled at the Geographical Congree at Anvers. He was the first person to use the word atlas to describe a book of maps.
techThe 16th century cartographer created the atlas
Arts and Entertainment
Stephen Tompkinson is back as DCI Banks
tvReview: Episode one of the new series played it safe, but at least this drama has a winning formula
News
i100
Caption competition
Caption competition
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

Bleacher Report

Daily Quiz
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

Career Services

Day In a Page

War with Isis: Iraq's government fights to win back Tikrit from militants - but then what?

Baghdad fights to win back Tikrit from Isis – but then what?

Patrick Cockburn reports from Kirkuk on a conflict which sectarianism has made intractable
Living with Alzheimer's: What is it really like to be diagnosed with early-onset dementia?

What is it like to live with Alzheimer's?

Depicting early-onset Alzheimer's, the film 'Still Alice' had a profound effect on Joy Watson, who lives with the illness. She tells Kate Hilpern how she's coped with the diagnosis
The Internet of Things: Meet the British salesman who gave real-world items a virtual life

Setting in motion the Internet of Things

British salesman Kevin Ashton gave real-world items a virtual life
Election 2015: Latest polling reveals Tories and Labour on course to win the same number of seats - with the SNP holding the balance of power

Election 2015: A dead heat between Mr Bean and Dick Dastardly!

Lord Ashcroft reveals latest polling – and which character voters associate with each leader
Audiences queue up for 'true stories told live' as cult competition The Moth goes global

Cult competition The Moth goes global

The non-profit 'slam storytelling' competition was founded in 1997 by the novelist George Dawes Green and has seen Malcolm Gladwell, Salman Rushdie and Molly Ringwald all take their turn at the mic
Pakistani women come out fighting: A hard-hitting play focuses on female Muslim boxers

Pakistani women come out fighting

Hard-hitting new play 'No Guts, No Heart, No Glory' focuses on female Muslim boxers
Leonora Carrington transcended her stolid background to become an avant garde star

Surreal deal: Leonora Carrington

The artist transcended her stolid background to become an avant garde star
LGBT History Month: Pupils discuss topics from Sappho to same-sex marriage

Education: LGBT History Month

Pupils have been discussing topics from Sappho to same-sex marriage
11 best gel eyeliners

Go bold this season: 11 best gel eyeliners

Use an ink pot eyeliner to go bold on the eyes with this season's feline flicked winged liner
Cricket World Cup 2015: Tournament runs riot to make the event more hit than miss...

Cricket World Cup runs riot to make the event more hit than miss...

The tournament has reached its halfway mark and scores of 300 and amazing catches abound. One thing never changes, though – everyone loves beating England
Katarina Johnson-Thompson: Heptathlete ready to jump at first major title

Katarina Johnson-Thompson: Ready to jump at first major title

After her 2014 was ruined by injury, 21-year-old Briton is leading pentathlete going into this week’s European Indoors. Now she intends to turn form into gold
Syrian conflict is the world's first 'climate change war', say scientists, but it won't be the last one

Climate change key in Syrian conflict

And it will trigger more war in future
How I outwitted the Gestapo

How I outwitted the Gestapo

My life as a Jew in wartime Berlin
The nation's favourite animal revealed

The nation's favourite animal revealed

Women like cuddly creatures whilst men like creepy-crawlies
Is this the way to get young people to vote?

Getting young people to vote

From #VOTESELFISH to Bite the Ballot