One piece of good news
England win World Cup: the pub football version, that is. They beat Cyprus 1-0 in the final after seeing off Italy in the semi-finals. Scotland maintained their tradition by losing early in the contest.
10 things we are still world champion at
Barebow archery; cheese rolling; darts; marbles; rackets; real tennis; shotgun shooting; TaeKwonDo; toe wrestling; women's billiards
Four sights still to savour
* Schadenfreude: Germany losing to a last-minute penalty by South Korea, after having had six goals disallowed by the Guatemalan referee.
* Learn-Along With John: Motson telling us Brazil has "97,340 miles of waterways and has scored an average of 2.9 goals in World Cups".
* Tele-tubby: further language acquiring opportunities with Paul Gascoigne.
* Mr Motionless: catatonic Korean President raises faint smile as his nation wins final after Brazil's umpteenth equaliser is ruled offside by linesman from Antarctica.
* Most extreme gesture by a supporter: a Korean killed himself and left a note saying he wanted to be "a ghost and the 12th player on the pitch and do my best for our team".
* Strangest appearance by Beckham: the soccer god has appeared to a Surrey fan on a Jaffa Cake. "Just as I was about to put it in my mouth I saw David Beckham staring back at me," he said.
* Largest volume of hate mail: Italian fans sent more than 400,000 vitriolic emails to Fifa about the refereeing in their game against Korea, crashing its email server in the deluge.
* Best Blair performance: the PM watched the Brazil game in Seville. Spanish not being one his languages, the embassy arranged for the BBC commentary to be piped in over the local coverage. It was, however, four seconds ahead of the pictures. Hence Blair heard the goal while Ronaldinho was still lining up his free kick...
* Most leaky defence: Pekanbaru Prison, Indonesia, where guards were so engrossed in Brazil vs Belgium that they did not notice 48 prisoners escaping.
Three shocks in store
* Henman wins Wimbledon: the press, after two weeks of writing why he lacks the nerve/skill/desire to win,performs a spectacular U-turn as he proves them all wrong.
* Montgomerie smiles at the Open: After extending his lead to five shots with two holes remaining, Monty is seen to smile. Minutes later, the noisy breathing of a spectator two fairways away puts him off his stroke and Tiger Woods comes from nowhere to win.
* No drugs scandal mars Commonwealth Games: officials hail a breakthrough as not a single competitor tests positive for funny cough drops; cynics note testing was outsourced to the NHS.
Six brand name own goals
* 7-Up: millions of cans are stuck on Irish shop shelves bearing the features of Roy Keane the tournament's most celebrated expulsion.
* Renault: signed Thierry Henry to add a little muscle to the Clio's image. Sadly, he rather overdid it, and in his second game was sent off.
* Fiat: signed Francesco Totti to lead its marketing attack. Sent off against Korea.
* Pepsi: the TV ad's line-up features Edgar Davids. Who plays for Holland. Who did not qualify.
* Nike: promoting its fitness-enhancing products is Luis Figo who sustained an injury before a ball was kicked and was a virtual passenger in Portugal's losing campaign.Reuse content