Robin Scott-Elliot: How do you feel about post-match interviews? Me neither

View From The Sofa: FA Cup, ITV1/Champions League, Sky Sports

A shirt and tie covered with a tracksuit top, as modelled by Wayne Rooney at Wembley on Saturday, is the look of a PE teacher at school assembly. Rooney, though with his Bash Street features, will never convince as a teacher; instead perhaps he better resembled a teenager anxiously waiting for a job interview as a lifeguard at Everton Park leisure centre (pre-cuts, of course).

But then again no leisure-centre lifeguard worth his rubber ring would display as much attentiveness to what was going on in front of him as Rooney did on Saturday. It is why it is impossible, if you focus just on football, to dislike Rooney. He has what his boss, sitting uncomfortably in the stands with his earpiece making him resemble a minicab driver with an itch, has had for decades: an unquenchable thirst for the game.

Where Alex Ferguson gets home and rearranges the pepper and salt to illustrate to Mrs F why the referee was wrong, no doubt Rooney drags Mrs R into the garden and makes her play a game of headers and volleys long into the night. Both were peripheral figures in Saturday's game because of their passion.

Rooney was confined to the bench because of what he said to a camera on the other side of London, but I suspect his words may prove the most enlightening uttered by a footballer on, or in the vicinity of, a pitch this season. They certainly were this week.

The immediate post-match interview, with sweat furrowing brows, or steam rising in the case of Carlton Cole, as the player tries to recover his breath in between describing how he feels, remains one of the most pointless features in the game. Unless interviewees swear – hello Micah Richards and Bryony Shaw – and leave the broadcaster to issue a grovelling apology, they add nothing. It is not easy for the interviewer; ask how they feel or how they scored the goal and the banality is answered in kind. Joe Hart was "over the moon" on Saturday, which may have been a cute reference to the City anthem. Or not.

If instead the interviewer tries for something more insightful about Antonio Valencia's performance affecting the dollarisation of central America, the result is dead air and that for modern-day broadcasters is about as welcome as Mario Balotelli at the Ferdinands' Easter egg hunt.

"They needed to score but we just knew that we needed to try and score to put the pressure off us because obviously if they scored the away goal came into play and so we needed to score and that's what we did." So Ryan Giggs offered his insight into United's Champions League victory over Chelsea moments after he stepped off the pitch. Upstairs Graeme Souness, increasingly the daddy of pundits, offered a rather more considered dissection. He had had a better overview of the match, and he wasn't knackered either.

Sitting alongside Souness, Ray Wilkins, the peculiar uncle of pundits, rather ruins the line of argument with his ramblings (on Monday night he volunteered the thought that if a player misses the goal with a shot it is better to miss high and wide so his team-mates have longer to get back into position), but still game after game passes with post-match interviews full of sound but signifying nothing. If only there was more fury.

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
News
Susan Sarandon described David Bowie as
peopleSusan Sarandon reveals more on her David Bowie romance
Sport
Lewis Hamilton walks back to the pit lane with his Mercedes burning in the background
Formula 1
Arts and Entertainment
The new characters were announced yesterday at San Diego Comic Con
comic-con 2014
Sport
Arsenal supporters gather for a recent ‘fan party’ in New Jersey
football
Arts and Entertainment
No Devotion's Geoff Rickly and Stuart Richardson
musicReview: No Devotion, O2 Academy Islington, London
News
i100
Sport
sportDidier Drogba returns to Chelsea on one-year deal
Arts and Entertainment
The Secret Cinema performance of Back to the Future has been cancelled again
film
News
newsComedy club forced to apologise as maggots eating a dead pigeon fall out of air-conditioning
Life and Style
Balmain's autumn/winter 2014 campaign, shot by Mario Sorrenti and featuring Binx Walton, Cara Delevingne, Jourdan Dunn, Ysaunny Brito, Issa Lish and Kayla Scott
fashionHow Olivier Rousteing is revitalising the house of Balmain
News
i100
Arts and Entertainment
Christian Grey cradles Ana in the Fifty Shades of Grey film
filmFifty Shades of Grey trailer provokes moral outrage in US
News
people
Caption competition
Caption competition
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

Bleacher Report

Daily Quiz
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

Day In a Page

Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business, from Sarah Millican to Marcus Brigstocke

Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business

For all those wanting to know how stand-ups keep standing, here are some of the best moments
Jokes on Hollywood: 'With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on'

Jokes on Hollywood

With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on
Edinburgh Fringe 2014: The comedy highlights, from Bridget Christie to Jack Dee

Edinburgh Fringe 2014

The comedy highlights, from Bridget Christie to Jack Dee
Evan Davis: The BBC’s wolf in sheep’s clothing to take over at Newsnight

The BBC’s wolf in sheep’s clothing

What will Evan Davis be like on Newsnight?
Finding the names for America’s shame: What happens to the immigrants crossing the US-Mexico border without documents who never make it past the Arizona desert?

Finding the names for America’s shame

The immigrants crossing the US-Mexico border without documents who never make it past the Arizona desert
Inside a church for Born Again Christians: Speaking to God in a Manchester multiplex

Inside a church for Born Again Christians

As Britain's Anglican church struggles to establish its modern identity, one branch of Christianity is booming
Rihanna, Kim Kardashian and me: How Olivier Rousteing is revitalising the house of Balmain

Olivier Rousteing is revitalising the house of Balmain

Parisian couturier Pierre Balmain made his name dressing the mid-century jet set. Today, Olivier Rousteing – heir to the house Pierre built – is celebrating their 21st-century equivalents. The result? Nothing short of Balmania
Cancer, cardiac arrest, HIV and homelessness - and he's only 39

Incredible survival story of David Tovey

Tovey went from cooking for the Queen to rifling through bins for his supper. His is a startling story of endurance against the odds – and of a social safety net failing at every turn
Backhanders, bribery and abuses of power have soared in China as economy surges

Bribery and abuses of power soar in China

The bribery is fuelled by the surge in China's economy but the rules of corruption are subtle and unspoken, finds Evan Osnos, as he learns the dark arts from a master
Commonwealth Games 2014: Highland terriers stole the show at the opening ceremony

Highland terriers steal the show at opening ceremony

Gillian Orr explores why a dog loved by film stars and presidents is finally having its day
German art world rocked as artists use renowned fat sculpture to distil schnapps

Brewing the fat from artwork angers widow of sculptor

Part of Joseph Beuys' 1982 sculpture 'Fettecke' used to distil schnapps
BBC's The Secret History of Our Streets reveals a fascinating window into Britain's past

BBC takes viewers back down memory lane

The Secret History of Our Streets, which returns with three films looking at Scottish streets, is the inverse of Benefits Street - delivering warmth instead of cynicism
Joe, film review: Nicolas Cage delivers an astonishing performance in low budget drama

Nicolas Cage shines in low-budget drama Joe

Cage plays an ex-con in David Gordon Green's independent drama, which has been adapted from a novel by Larry Brown
How to make your own gourmet ice lollies, granitas, slushy cocktails and frozen yoghurt

Make your own ice lollies and frozen yoghurt

Think outside the cool box for this summer's tempting frozen treats
Ford Fiesta is UK's most popular car of all-time, with sales topping 4.1 million since 1976

Fiesta is UK's most popular car of all-time

Sales have topped 4.1 million since 1976. To celebrate this milestone, four Independent writers recall their Fiestas with pride