So that was the season that was

Texts, spittle and Jose's amazing dreamcoat
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The Independent Football

Best Soap Opera: ToonEnders

Best Soap Opera: ToonEnders

Kieron Dyer refuses to play wide on the right for Sir Bobby Robson, who then drops Alan Shearer and gets sacked; Craig Bellamy abuses Graeme Souness and eventually takes the high road to Celtic; Lee Bowyer and Dyer in the fight of the season and then...

The Rebecca Loos Award for Textual Intercourse: Bellamy and Shearer

From Bellamy's phone to Shearer (after Newcastle's 4-1 FA Cup semi-final defeat by Manchester United): "Your legs have gone. You're too old. You're too slow. You couldn't even kiss my arse." Captain Shearer replied that if Bellamy ever set foot in Newcastle again, he would knock his block off.

Worst Actor: Steven Taylor

The Newcastle defender's attempt to pretend the ball hit him in the stomach instead of the hand at home to Aston Villa fooled nobody. But it ensured him a place in posterity for the quiz question about who was the other player sent off in the Bowyer-Dyer match.

Soundbite of the Season: Delia Smith

"Come on, where are you, let's be 'avin' you," she exhorted at half-time in Norwich's home game against Manchester City. It did not work that night (the visitors won 3-2), but winning four subsequent home games has made Norwich favourites to stay up today.

Diners' Club Member of the Year: Peter Kenyon

His presence in any hotel or restaurant magically attracts leading Premiership players through the door.

Linguaphone Award for Most Memorable Phrase: Jose Mourinho

According to Chelsea's manager, Tottenham "parked the bus in the goal" to earn a 0-0 draw at Stamford Bridge in September.

Most Enjoyable Game: Tottenham 4 - Arsenal 5

Following the dour Jacques Santini's departure, his successor, Martin Jol, left the bus in the White Hart Lane car park and conceded eight goals in his first two entertaining home matches.

Matalan Gift Voucher for Garment of the Year: Jose's Grey Coat

If only he had stuck to formal dress at Anfield for the second leg of the Champions' League semi-final, instead of going casual.

Lord Of The Manor With Silliest Haircut: Djibril Cissé

The Liverpool striker became official Lord of Frodsham, Cheshire, when purchasing his £2m house. Those who thought the bleached blond look with matching beard was peculiar were simply stunned by the Hampton Court Maze unveiled against Chelsea - or was it the Egyptian Alphabet?

Least Popular Player Outside Bolton: El Hadji Diouf

Already had previous (for Liverpool at Celtic), when caught on camera spitting at Portsmouth's Arjan de Zeeuw. Served a ban, but soon returned to win local derby at Blackburn with a blatant dive.

Most Dignified Response to Spittle: Arjan de Zeeuw

Somehow resisted the temptation to retaliate. Even Bolton's manager, Sam Allardyce, admitted it was worth a right hook.

Peter Ridsdale Plaque for Financial Planning: Manchester City

Declared debts of £62m last autumn. Just as well someone else paid for the stadium.

Stupid Boy Award: David Prutton

Refusing to leave the pitch after being sent off for Southampton against Arsenal, except to get at a linesman, the midfielder then pushed the referee and received an additional 10-match ban.

Joint runners-up: 1 Robin van Persie. Decided to cancel out his team's advantage over Southampton by getting sent off as well. 2 James Beattie. Red card after eight minutes of Everton's home game with Chelsea for butting William Gallas in the back of the neck.

Geography Prize: Robbie Savage

Wanted a transfer from Birmingham City to Blackburn Rovers "to be nearer his family in north Wales". (It was further, but he still got the move.)

SAS Award (Sustained Assault Shield): Blackburn Rovers

Leading contenders after battering Chelsea at Ewood Park in February, Mark Hughes's braves set about another bunch of southern softies, Arsenal, in the FA Cup semi-final with even greater ferocity.

Put-down of the Season: Arsène Wenger

Describing his team's tactics in the above game: "We had to try to get them so fatigued they couldn't kick us any more."