The IoS World Cup countdown
Excited after England's 'easy' draw? Let David Randall puncture your dreams
Sunday 06 December 2009
Here we go, here we go, here we go! Again. Yes, four brief global football-free years have skipped by, and it's the World Cup once more. And, for England, we all know what that means: a lucky draw in early December of the year before, followed by months of speculation, Waggery, hype, hope and hyperventilation.
It's all deplorably familiar and makes the self-styled "greatest tournament on the planet" seem like the Groundhog Day of world sport. So, to save any of us paying anything more than cursory attention until the whole over-blown nonsense is over, here's a week-by-week calendar of all those pseudo-events, photo opportunities, phoney rows, injuries, preenings, poutings and posturings that lead, of course, to the inevitable denouement, in a penalty area somewhere in South Africa.
So, spare yourself the dreary anticipation, and read how it's all bound to turn out.
World Cup Countdown
England are drawn in a group that includes the USA, Algeria, and Slovenia, otherwise known, because of their economies, as "The Group of Debt".
Tabloid headlines greeting the news of England's draw start seven months of hysterical over-confidence. "Easy" is The Sun's verdict; "Yankee Doddle Dandy" is the Daily Mirror's.
In a New Year message to the nation, Fabio Capello says that England face group matches that will be tougher than many people realise, and he cautions against what he says is "counting the chicken before he is roasted". The Sun headlines their story: "Fab to World: We've got it won!"
Chris Evans barred from taking any England player clubbing.
The first "England in World Cup security nightmare" story appears, as it is revealed that the fence at their South African training camp has "holes in it". It is a chain-link fence.
England draw 0-0 with San Marino in warm-up game. The Daily Mirror hails the performance with the headline: "Capello's clean-sheet wonders!" England now 2-1 on to win cup.
Metatarsal Monday. This is something of a mystery, since all that happened to Steven Gerrard is that he broke a toe-nail getting out of the bath. The red-tops publish endless medical diagrams, until a doctor points out that toe-nails grow back.
Wayne Rooney reveals that the crying of his baby son Kai occasionally wakes him up in the night. The Sun asks: "Is this the most evil baby in Britain?"
England's World Cup Squad named. There is a shock inclusion: Albert Figgis, the promising midfield general of Hackney Marshes side Athletico Clapton.
England's pre-tournament tour of the South Atlantic reaches a climax with a 2-1 victory over South Georgia (AET). The Sun headlines the story: "Fabio's world beaters leave Penguinland unbeaten".
On the eve of their departure for South Africa, Prime Minister Dave Cameron hosts a 17-course, black-tie dinner for the squad at the Carlton Club. He tells them how he used to stand on the terraces at High Wycombe and watch Tommy Lawton score the goals that brought the European Cup to the Buckinghamshire club.
Just days after England's arrival at their South African headquarters, headlines scream "South African World Cup Sabotage Plot!" after it emerges that Peter Crouch's bed is six inches too short. An enterprising Women's Institute in Yorkshire send him a pair of bed socks.
New storm breaks out as it is learnt that the BBC has 948 staff in South Africa to cover the tournament. Director-General Mark Thompson says from his seven-room suite at an exclusive Cape Town resort: "Hello, is that room service?"
Prince Andrew jets in for a golf tournament, after which he will pay a brief visit to the British trade legation in Johannesburg. In response to questions from waiting journalists, he says: "World Cup? Really? I had no idea."
England struggle to hold the USA to a 1-1 draw. Tabloids suddenly turn on the team. "What a bunch of Yankers!" is one headline.
The Algeria game. England take early lead, but, as one of the 37 BBC commentators points out: "The silky ball skills of the foreign players are giving our chaps an awful lot of trouble." Sure enough, Algeria equalise, and, after a misunderstanding in the England defence, score the winner in the 87th minute. The day after the Algeria match, The Sun's front page has a picture of Fabio Capello in a Tommy Cooper fez with the headline: "And for my next trick!" The Star starts a petition to have Capello deported. England must now beat Slovenia by two goals to qualify for the next round.
In the following day's interviews, Frank Lampard tells press: "We haven't become bad players overnight." Right, Frank, it's taken years to achieve that.
Millions take the day off work for the vital Slovenia game. England hold a slender 1-0 lead with a minute to go, when Wayne Rooney falls over his bootlaces, and a free kick is given to England just inside the Slovenian half. David Beckham scores with the kick after it takes a nasty deflection off the referee's backside. England are through. Within minutes, Trafalgar Square is awash with tens of thousands celebrating. Next day, the Daily Mirror says: "It's as good as won!" The Sun calls for Capello to be knighted.
England play group-stage surprises Serbia for a place in the last eight. Despite the presence of the WAGs in the stands (apart from two who did not return from the safari photo-op), England turn in their best performance so far, beating the Serbs 2-0, thanks to own goals by Nohopeovic, and Cakhandovic Sun calls for Capello to be given hereditary peerage, and for Cakhandovic to be knighted.
On the morning of England's quarter-final against Argentina, the front pages are full of bulldogs, Winston Churchill, and Admiral Sandy Woodward. The Guardian, after a mix-up by their picture desk, carries a picture of Eva Peron. The game is a drab 0-0 draw, and so to the inevitable penalties. In the vital kick, a hapless Ashley Cole runs up, slips over, and the ball dribbles harmless into the arms of the laughing Argentine goalkeeper. England are out. Cole blames his wife.
Front pages scream for England squad to be denied re-entry to Britain, and Capello to be put on trial for World Cup crimes. PM Dave Cameron says it is a sporting tragedy, comparable to when 'Spiffy' Prosser missed the final heave in the Eton wall game of 1984.
Rest of World Cup plays out. No one in England cares anymore
Latest in Sport
Paul Scholes: Manchester United vs Liverpool - I don't understand why Brendan Rodgers was not more attacking against Basel
Jesus Christ plays for Chelsea - that's what one in five children thinks
Transfer Talk: Nemanja Vidic to return to Manchester United; Hazard to leave Chelsea; Sunderland want Radamel Falcao
Frank Warren column: Don't bet on Amir Khan landing pay day against Floyd Mayweather
Manchester United transfer news: Kevin Strootman move edges closer
- 2 Harry Potter fans can apply to the Hogwarts-inspired College of Wizardry
- 3 Jessica Chambers: 19-year-old woman 'doused with lighter fluid and burned alive' in the US
- 4 Russell Brand calls Nigel Farage 'poundshop Enoch Powell' in BBC Question Time debate
- 5 Orange Wednesdays are no more
Disgruntled RBS worker writes hilarious open letter to Russell Brand after anti-capitalist publicity stunt leaves him hungry
Nigel Farage defends Kerry Smith 'ch***y' comment: 'If you are going for a Chinese, what do you say you’re going for?'
Nigel Farage's approval rating hits 'record low' as popularity suffers in wake of Ukip sex scandal
Pakistan school attack live: Taliban kill at least 132 children in 'horrifying' massacre
Sony hack: Angelina Jolie branded 'seriously out of her mind' in further embarrassing leaked email saga
Panic Saturday: 13 million Britons spend £1.2bn – while 13 million others across the country live in poverty unable to afford food