What would Billy the Fish make of Newcastle?

By Michael Walker

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

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So Newcastle United's first second division fixture list since 1992 arrived today wrapped in disappointment. It had been hoped by the increased number of Newcastle-mockers that a trip to Doncaster or Blackpool on the opening day would extend the national lampooning of the Tyneside club, a journey that would confirm to Newcastle that it is Scunthorpe United, not Manchester United, they will be facing next season. West Bromwich away did not have quite the same ring.

But when Newcastle are due to go to Blackpool on a Tuesday night in September and Scunthorpe on a Tuesday night in October, the Geordie jokes will flow again.

Yet it says something of the spirit locally that the independent supporters' club founded in the wake of Kevin Keegan's enforced departure last September marks the fixture list publication with a comedy night tomorrow. Presumably the humour will be Gallowgate.

On the bill is Simon Donald, one of the co-founders of another Tyneside institution, Viz. It begged the question: what would Billy the Fish have made of last season at St. James' Park?

"Well, in the edition that's out now there's a strip in which Billy the Fish has to win four points from the last game," Donald said. "It ends in hideous anti-climax, a bit like our season."

Poor Billy. What happens is that Fulchester United's manager, Tommy Brown, is eaten by a snake just before he informs Billy of his cunning four-point plan. A caretaker is then appointed but it's a school caretaker who tells the players to get off the pitch. "It's private property, is that," he shouts.

Will Newcastle United win promotion from the Championship?

Some might say it is almost as surreal as events at St. James' last season, though Donald said of the last ten months: "I've found it very difficult to laugh."

Like so many Newcastle supporters – Donald did not renew his season ticket last summer for the first time in 17 years – the comedian feels the club under the past two regimes has eroded his loyalty. The seemingly never-ending farce at St. James' has also eaten into the goodwill for club and city that was generated by Kevin Keegan's first managerial era in the 1990s.

"The public face of the city is the football club, on a lot of levels," Donald said, "and it is actually the football club that is a laughing stock. That has hurt us all. But the person out in front of all of us is Mike Ashley. He has not taken the advice of anyone older or wiser, he has worn the jersey when he should have worn a shirt and tie and he has made terrible decisions, so the club is a joke. "The whole business since Ashley took over has been bizarre.

But it goes back further than that, the mess goes back to the sacking of Bobby Robson and Freddy Shepherd saying: 'You don't sack a man like Bobby Robson,' then sacking him. What do you say about that? You look at that decision and there has not been a decent decision since then. Maybe getting Keegan back, which was a hell of a risk for Keegan, but then he wasn't given the power. Who wouldn't have walked out?"

Keegan was manager this day last year and on the season's opening day when Newcastle went to Old Trafford and drew 1-1 with the European champions. But that feels a long time ago: Keegan is gone, as is Dennis Wise, Shay Given, Joe Kinnear, possibly Alan Shearer and soon, Mike Ashley. Optimism has also vanished.

"My greatest worry," Donald said, "isn't what's going to happen, it's what has already happened. We know absolutely nothing. That is a fear in itself. But my worry is the damage already done. Name me a club that has come through the period we have, at this time of the year, relegated, without a manager, without an owner, without a plan – what do people expect?

"This is going to have terrible consequences. Even if they get a backer and get Shearer in, it's probably too late already to do a good job this season. It's a big nightmare."

The joke isn't funny any more. Well, not on Tyneside. Except tomorrow night. If you see what I mean.

NUSC comedy night is on Thursday 18th, kick-off 8pm. Price £7