So where will Rangers be playing next season?
a) The SPL
b) First Division
c) Third Division
d) England after taking over Bury
Answer: b) (five points). The most likely compromise, meaning a trip to Dumbarton (capacity: 728). Award yourself four points for c) (almost as likely), while e) identifies you as a rabid Celtic supporter, so disqualifying you from this quiz. It's for neutrals.
Why are so many clubs voting against Rangers?
a) For moral reasons: huge unpaid debts should not go unpunished
b) Brinkmanship intended to secure more cash
c) Short-term holding move intended as a shot across Rangers' bows
Answer: c) (five points). Anyone who seriously thinks a) knows nothing about Scottish football.
Why Don't they want them to go into First Division?
a) They want to jump on the sporting integrity bandwagon
b) They don't yet realise the full financial consequences
c) They're seeking a bigger SPL windfall for dealing with a problem the SPL were too scared to address
d) Nobody likes Rangers
Answer: b) (five points). They have yet to discuss the proposals at a full meeting. Award yourself three points for answering c), because clubs will demand more, and two points for d).
Why has this dragged on all summer?
a) It's a complex business: administration, EBTs, unpaid PAYE plus monumental self-interest
b) The consequences are so profound that careful contemplation is needed to ensure the game does not suffer
c) Nobody wants to step up and make any decisions
d) Lawyers are involved, and their expense accounts needed some TLC
Answer: a) (five points). Rangers and Celtic are the financial bedrock of Scottish football, so damage to either affects the game, hence clubs tripping over themselves to ensure they are not harmed in the fallout. But the insolvency event, and the accusation that not all player payments were registered with the SFA, has made for a tangled series of issues to unravel. If you answered b) or c), you at least know Scottish football.
What do Celtic fans want?
a) To renew Old Firm hostilities as soon as possible
b) Avoid Rangers for a year
c) Never play Rangers again
d) Play Rangers every single week
e) They don't really know
Answer: e) (five points). No unanimity here. Some believe Rangers should be banished from the face of the earth and some, particularly inside the Celtic boardroom, say life will be too boring without Old Firm fixtures.
What has happened to Craig Whyte?
a) hiding, from irate Rangers fans, and Ticketus, who will be pursuing him for £24m
b) Still on the scene, and will benefit in some way from whatever money Charles Green and Zeus Capital make from Rangers
c) Sipping champagne in Monaco, wondering what all the fuss is about
d) Looking to phone Gerald Ratner or Nick Leeson. There's always somebody who's suffered a more disastrous business deal
Answer: c) (three points). Not least because he is brazen. Take two points for a), as he's not been in Glasgow for a while.
Why did Charles Green buy the club?
a) Green saw an opportunity at £5.5m and figured he couldn't lose
b) He's wider than the River Thames and reckons he can do what he likes as football fans are daft
c) Just a front man for others with cash to pull the deal off
d) Just for the sport of it
Answer: Take five points for a), but four for c) because that's true too. If you answered b), then I hope you're looking forward to League One next season, but Sheffield United do really deserve better. Is your club still recovering from his spell as chief executive 14 years ago?
After Whyte, Green and Brown, which colour next?
a) (Conrad) Black, who needs a new challenge now he is out of prison
b) (Miss) Scarlett — oh no, she's just murdered Professor Plum with a candlestick in the library
c) Red (Adair), the perfect firefighter in a crisis
d) (Rabbi Lionel) Blue. Right colour for the club and never hurts to broaden religious boundaries
Answer: a) (five points). Rangers fans would probably welcome Black as a replacement for Green.
Who is in charge of Scottish football?
a) SFA CEO Stewart Regan
b) SPL CEO Neil Doncaster
c) The supporters of all Scottish clubs
d) Celtic CEO Peter Lawwell
Answer: c) (five points). The grassroots movement has driven the narrative of the story in recent weeks. No To Newco has become a mantra, forcing SPL club chairmen to find a way to do just that, without exposing their own clubs to financial catastrophe. If you answered d), you're a Rangers fan who didn't learn from question one. More points off.
Where will Scottish football be in five years?
a) Same as before Rangers went into liquidation: a two-horse race with everyone enjoying a bit more cash
b) Revolutionised, with other clubs having caught up the Old Firm thanks to revenues being spread more evenly and a bigger top flight
c) Small-time, with both Old Firm teams in the English Premiership
d) Exactly as now, in disarray, constantly bickering about reconstruction and Old Firm influence
Answer: d) (clearly five points). It's been that way for more than 100 years, it won't change. If you answered a) or b), you're too much of an optimist.
40-50 points: Did you have nothing else to mug up this summer?
30-40: You live next door to Craig Whyte
20-30: Time you knew your East Fife from your Forfar
10-20: Take off your Celtic shirt
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