Foxtrot on the wing and not a fowl in sight

Sport on TV

A serious technical problem at Sky, where the computer chips implanted into presenters to ensure that they plugged boxing's "Judgement Night" every few seconds have proved tricky to re-program. The other night Richard Keys was escorted from the staff canteen after a contretemps at the warm beverage counter. "Tea v Coffee," he was burbling. "No doubt about it. Judgement Night is here."

Others with persistent malfunctions are Paul Dempsey and Martin Tyler, respectively front-man and commentator for Celtic v Rangers on Thursday night. Dempsey was the first offender. "This is Glasgow's night of judgement," he pronounced, as the rogue chip sparked somewhere in his cerebellum. "It means everything that that wonderful night of boxing meant to those who were there." A brief moment of panic for viewers, who wondered if he meant that they were obliged to pay through the nose to watch this as well. Not so. Perhaps all the Dempsoid meant was that there was going to be a scrap, or several.

The Tyler Mk1 Commentary Module was the next to succumb. The players hadn't even kicked off when a pain in the diodes down his left-hand side caused him to blurt: "Judgement Night Part Two: who will be Holyfield and who will be Tyson?" Brian O'Neil obligingly made sense of this piffle with a fine Tyson impression early in the game, falling on his backside without a punch to present Brian Laudrup with the only goal of the game.

Not that there was any lack of action for Tyler and his co-commentator, Andy Gray, to describe after that. There were missed penalties, great saves, clonking fouls and more yellow cards than a poker night in a custard factory.

But the star of the show was not Paul Gascoigne (who contributed a penalty that Alan Rough could have saved, let alone Andy Goram), nor Pierre van Hooijdonk (another penalty, ditto), nor even Peter van Vossen, responsible for the most criminal miss since Miss Scarlet did it in the conservatory with the lead piping. No, the star was a fox.

A malfunctioning nose led the unfortunate beast to believe that the newly rebuilt Parkhead was a sort of gigantic flood-lit chicken coop. Big mistake. For while there were fouls aplenty, fowl were there none, and you have never seen a pair of ears go back so quickly.

Once in, and on to the pitch, locating the way out proved something of a problem. The unfortunate animal hared down the wing like its Tottenham namesake, but unlike Ruel it did not deliver a cross from the byline but instead scooted round behind the goal looking for the "Wildlife Exit This Way" signs.

No joy, just a wall of whooping Glaswegians, about as friendly a sight to the foxy eye as the Beaufort Hunt in full cry. So off again down the near touchline, coat shining glossily under the lights, luxuriant brush flowing behind.

By this time Tyler, up in the commentary box, had had time to collect his thoughts. "What is it?" the eagle-eyed commentator enquired, "A fox?" "Ten out of ten for nature observation," Gray drily observed, as the relieved animal threaded a knot of policemen and escaped into the night, thinking: "Sod this `urban fox' stuff for a lark. I'm for the Highlands."

More animal magic on How Do They Do That? (BBC1) which introduced Richard "Max" Maxwell, described by Eamonn Holmes as "the man to send for when you have a harassed horse". Max has an infallible technique for inducing awkward nags to do what they don't want to, and demonstrated it on Geordie, a big bay with a wild eye who looked like he belonged on Cracker.

Max started out by shooing Geordie around a circular pen, waving a rope just in case the horse was having second thoughts about who was in charge. The key at this point, apparently, is to look the beast straight in the eye, puff out your chest and broaden your shoulders, a technique that Max may well have picked up during his time in the Household Cavalry.

A few minutes of this treatment and Geordie started to lower his head, a sure sign, we were informed, that he was prepared to acknowledge his subservience to Max. Remember this, the next time an ex-Guardsman comes at you brandishing a lariat.

Just when you expected Max to whip a saddle on Geordie and lead him in triumph off to the dressage ring, he turned his back, spurning the horse like an unpleasant acquaintance spotted across the room at a party. Did Geordie snort and trot off in the opposite direction? No: offended, he sidled up to Max and tried to make friends - and subsequently refused to leave his side. Not only tamed, Geordie now had had a crush on his trainer.

The other item of interest on the programme featured men who race hot- rods up mountainsides in Iceland. The question here was not "How Do They Do That?" but "Why?" and the answer lies in another question: have you ever been to Reykjavik?

Life and Style
love + sex A new study has revealed the average size - but does that leave men outside the 'normal' range being thought of as 'abnormal'?
Arts and Entertainment
TV
Voices
The Palace of Westminster is falling down, according to John Bercow
voices..says Matthew Norman
Sport
Steve Bruce and Gus Poyet clash
football
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
News
Graham Norton said Irish broadcaster RTE’s decision to settle was ‘moronic’
TV
Arts and Entertainment
Jake and Dinos Chapman were motivated by revenge to make 'Bring me the Head of Franco Toselli! '
arts + ents Shapero Modern Gallery to show explicit Chapman Brothers film
Arts and Entertainment
Kurt Cobain performing for 'MTV Unplugged' in New York, shortly before his death
music Brett Morgen's 'Cobain: Montage of Heck' debunks many of the myths
Life and Style
life
Sport
Brendan Rodgers
football The Liverpool manager will be the first option after Pep Guardiola
News
Amazon misled consumers about subscription fees, the ASA has ruled
news
Arts and Entertainment
Myanna Buring, Julian Rhind-Tutt and Russell Tovey in 'Banished'
TV Jimmy McGovern tackles 18th-century crime and punishment
Arts and Entertainment
Paul Whitehouse as Herbert
arts + ents
Caption competition
Caption competition
Latest stories from i100
Daily Quiz
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

Career Services
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Lettings and Sales Negotiator - OTE £46,000

£16000 - £46000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity to join ...

Recruitment Genius: Home Care Worker - Reading and Surrounding Areas

£9 - £13 per hour: Recruitment Genius: This is a great opportunity to join a s...

Recruitment Genius: Key Sales Account Manager - OTE £35,000

£25000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Have you got a proven track rec...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Executive - OTE £40,000

£15000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a great opportunity for...

Day In a Page

Syrian conflict is the world's first 'climate change war', say scientists, but it won't be the last one

Climate change key in Syrian conflict

And it will trigger more war in future
How I outwitted the Gestapo

How I outwitted the Gestapo

My life as a Jew in wartime Berlin
The nation's favourite animal revealed

The nation's favourite animal revealed

Women like cuddly creatures whilst men like creepy-crawlies
Is this the way to get young people to vote?

Getting young people to vote

From #VOTESELFISH to Bite the Ballot
Poldark star Heida Reed: 'I don't think a single bodice gets ripped'

Poldark star Heida Reed

'I don't think a single bodice gets ripped'
The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

Netanyahu knows he can get away with anything in America, says Robert Fisk
Families clubbing together to build their own affordable accommodation

Do It Yourself approach to securing a new house

Community land trusts marking a new trend for taking the initiative away from developers
Head of WWF UK: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

David Nussbaum: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

The head of WWF UK remains sanguine despite the Government’s failure to live up to its pledges on the environment
Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Set in a mythologised 5th-century Britain, ‘The Buried Giant’ is a strange beast
With money, corruption and drugs, this monk fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’

Money, corruption and drugs

The monk who fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’
America's first slavery museum established at Django Unchained plantation - 150 years after slavery outlawed

150 years after it was outlawed...

... America's first slavery museum is established in Louisiana
Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

The first 'American Idol' winner on how she manages to remain her own woman – Jane Austen fascination and all
Tony Oursler on exploring our uneasy relationship with technology with his new show

You won't believe your eyes

Tony Oursler's new show explores our uneasy relationship with technology. He's one of a growing number of artists with that preoccupation
Ian Herbert: Peter Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

The England coach leaves players to find solutions - which makes you wonder where he adds value, says Ian Herbert
War with Isis: Fears that the looming battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

The battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

Aid agencies prepare for vast exodus following planned Iraqi offensive against the Isis-held city, reports Patrick Cockburn