James Corrigan: Blatter quits, and other impossible things

The Way I See It: As we enter one of Britain's most eagerly awaited sporting years we should discount the things which definitely won't happen

We all know what's going to happen in 2012. Manchester United will win the League, Barcelona will win the Champions League, Manchester City will win the FA Cup and Liverpool will hold an open-topped bus parade for finishing fourth.

No, we don't need a crystal ball to foresee such things; a copy of the fixture list will do. But still, we should not take sport for granted. If 2011 proved anything at all – except, of course, that Joey Barton remains a bit of a pillock – it is that sport still has the power to jolt us from mundanity with its surprises.

Who would have forecast at the beginning of 2011 that Martin Johnson would be forced to quit as England rugby coach after a year in which England won the Six Nations and 10 out of 13 games? Or that the England football captain would be facing criminal charges for allegedly racially abusing an opponent, who just happens to be the brother of his national centre-half partner?

It just shows most scenarios are possible in sport's maddening circus. Yet the parameters aren't infinite; there are instances which could never come to pass, never mind how wackily the planets aligned. As we enter one of Britain's most eagerly awaited sporting years we should discount the things which definitely won't happen.

January Sepp Blatter resigns. "I feel Fifa's become too much about me and not about football governance," says the honourable Swiss. Nobody knows why he has resigned, although the suspicion is it might have something to do with corruption/bribery/racism/sexism/blackmail/extortion/fraud. Fifa's executive committee takes Blatter's lead and resigns en masse, forfeiting all their privileges as they depart. Steve Kean is named manager of the month.

February England's interim coach, Stuart Lancaster, installs Mike Tindall as captain for the Six Nations. "No more drinking, no more midget-throwing, no more mystery blondes," says the rejuvenated centre. Chris Ashton moves back to rugby league, Manu Tuilagi returns to Samoa. England win first three matches and Rob Andrew remains in the background as the credit is dished out. Robbie Savage makes interesting point on 606.

March Cheltenham racecourse is bought by the Temperance Society and holds the first dry Festival. Record attendances feature much merriment in the J20 Village and joy aplenty in the Perrier Stand. Bookies demand booze ban is lifted. "This lot actually know what they're betting on when they're sober." England win Six Nations. Brian Moore says he has no opinion on the matter whatsoever.

April Tiger Woods spends two hours signing autographs after missing cut in the Masters. He then gives an hour-long press conference where he admits "maybe that sex scandal and all that ridicule did affect me mentally". Lewis Hamilton involved in a crash he didn't cause.

May Chelsea win the League as John Terry voted PFA Player of the Year, beating Luis Suarez on a countback. Manchester City board offers Roberto Mancini a new contract despite him losing his last 15 games, including a Carling Cup final defeat to Cardiff City and the FA Cup final to Blackburn. Mario Balotelli purchases £200 of Premium Bonds.

June Fabio Capello thanks media for their patience after drawing first two opening games at Euro 2012. "The lack of hysteria really helped us qualify," he says, after returning Wayne Rooney scores five against Ukraine. "No pressure at all, lads" exclaims front page of The Sun on the morning of quarter-final against Spain, while on the day of semi-final against Netherlands The Mirror exclaims: "Just do your best – that's all we can ask". The Daily Mail, on the morning of the final against Italy, declares: "You're winners to us already". England win 2-1. Andy Murray wins Wimbledon with nobody there.

July Olympics start with David Cameron and Boris Johnson refusing to take centre stage in frugal opening ceremony. "This is about the podium-climbers not the bandwagon-jumpers," says Cameron. London traffic system flows without a hitch. The sun shines and the Wembley grandstands are not filled with sponsors' guests, Fifa members, professional golfers and C-list celebs, but genuine sports fans. David Haye stays retired.

August Britain win a record haul of medals as Usain Bolt is beaten in 100m final by Dwain Chambers. Lord Coe is not at all smug as London 2012 is acclaimed from Glasgow to Cardiff as the most inclusive and inspiring Olympics in history. Team GB, led by David Beckham, beat Spain 1-0 in the football final (Torres og), unifying the entire country, with men in kilts, carrying leeks, singing "God Save The Queen". Cameron and Johnson allow athletes to perform the official duties at the cut-price closing ceremony. "After all, what have we ever done for sport?" they confess. Carlos Tevez buys house in Manchester.

September Conservatives invest money in grass-roots sport. America win Ryder Cup with a euphoric Tiger Woods saying: "I wish I could play in a team every week." Colin Montmerie wins Rear of the Year.

October The Glazer family backs Ferguson to the hilt despite Champions League exit, keeping up with City's outlay in the transfer market. "Football first, finance second," says the one with the glasses. Ronnie O'Sullivan loses graciously and says: "Not one bit of me wants to walk away from snooker."

November Jose Mourinho sacked as England manager, after daring only to win first two games of World Cup qualifying by 4-1 and 3-0. "And I thought Roman Abramovich was unreasonable," he said. Bernie Ecclestone appointed to run Britain's diplomatic corps.

December Somebody other than an Olympian wins Sports Personality of the Year. No Olympian knighted in New Year's honours. Sir Alex Ferguson and Roy Keane Christmas No 1 with rendition of "I've Got You Babe". Phil Taylor wins World Darts Championship.

There will be a chance to bid for a rare example of the SAS Diary, collated by a former member of the regiment in the aftermath of World War II but only published – in a limited run of just 5,000 – in 2011
charity appealTime is running out to secure your favourite lot as our auction closes at 2pm today
File: James Woods attends the 52nd New York Film Festival at Walter Reade Theater on September 27, 2014
peopleActor was tweeting in wake of NYPD police shooting
Martin Skrtel heads in the dramatic equaliser
SPORTLiverpool vs Arsenal match report: Bandaged Martin Skrtel heads home in the 97th-minute
Billie Whitelaw was best known for her close collaboration with playwright Samuel Beckett, here performing in a Beckett Trilogy at The Riverside Studios, Hammersmith
people'Omen' star was best known for stage work with Samuel Beckett
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Caption competition
Caption competition
Latest stories from i100
Daily Quiz
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

Career Services
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Telesales & Customer Service Executives - Outbound & Inbound

£7 - £9 per hour: Recruitment Genius: Are you outgoing? Do you want to work in...

Recruitment Genius: National Account Manager / Key Account Sales

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An opportunity has arisen for a...

Recruitment Genius: Operations Manager

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An exciting opportunity to join...

Recruitment Genius: Recruitment Consultant

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: We have an excellent role for a...

Day In a Page

Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history - clocks, rifles, frogmen’s uniforms and colonial helmets

Clocks, rifles, swords, frogmen’s uniforms

Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history
Return to Gaza: Four months on, the wounds left by Israel's bombardment have not yet healed

Four months after the bombardment, Gaza’s wounds are yet to heal

Kim Sengupta is reunited with a man whose plight mirrors the suffering of the Palestinian people
Gastric surgery: Is it really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Is gastric surgery really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Critics argue that it’s crazy to operate on healthy people just to stop them eating
Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction Part 2 - now LIVE

Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction

Bid on original art, or trips of a lifetime to Africa or the 'Corrie' set, and help Homeless Veterans
Pantomime rings the changes to welcome autistic theatre-goers

Autism-friendly theatre

Pantomime leads the pack in quest to welcome all
The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

Sony suffered a chorus of disapproval after it withdrew 'The Interview', but it's not too late for it to take a stand, says Joan Smith
From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?

Panto dames: before and after

From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?
Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

Booksellers say readers are turning away from dark modern thrillers and back to the golden age of crime writing
Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best,' says founder of JustGiving

Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best'

Ten million of us have used the JustGiving website to donate to good causes. Its co-founder says that being dynamic is as important as being kind
The botanist who hunts for giant trees at Kew Gardens

The man who hunts giants

A Kew Gardens botanist has found 25 new large tree species - and he's sure there are more out there
The 12 ways of Christmas: Spare a thought for those who will be working to keep others safe during the festive season

The 12 ways of Christmas

We speak to a dozen people who will be working to keep others safe, happy and healthy over the holidays
Birdwatching men have a lot in common with their feathered friends, new study shows

The male exhibits strange behaviour

A new study shows that birdwatching men have a lot in common with their feathered friends...
Diaries of Evelyn Waugh, Virginia Woolf and Noël Coward reveal how they coped with the December blues

Famous diaries: Christmas week in history

Noël Coward parties into the night, Alan Clark bemoans the cost of servants, Evelyn Waugh ponders his drinking…
From noble to narky, the fall of the open letter

From noble to narky, the fall of the open letter

The great tradition of St Paul and Zola reached its nadir with a hungry worker's rant to Russell Brand, says DJ Taylor
A Christmas ghost story by Alison Moore: A prodigal daughter has a breakthrough

A Christmas ghost story by Alison Moore

The story was published earlier this month in 'Poor Souls' Light: Seven Curious Tales'