Tiger Woods' lawyers are trying to ban a range of sex toys made by Pipedream including a Take Home Tiger blow-up doll, a Tuggin' Tiger masturbation device and Tiger's Wood Cover supersized condom. But they cannot be so prickly about the Cabbages and Condoms restaurant in Bangkok, which features a mannequin by the front door dressed in hundreds of condoms with the message "Let's do it Tiger", since it forms part of a safe-sex campaign in Thailand, his mother's native country. Help is at hand for our wayward footballers when they are playing away, as Dutch designer Sander Reijgers has made a blow-up doll that looks like a furry football, complete with orifices. Pump not included.
Average weekly salary for NBA basketballers, the highest earners in sport. Indian Premier League cricketers come second on £48,243, while our Premier League footballers languish in fourth place on a paltry £28,230. Poor dears.
Squatters of the week
Some world records are rubbish. Exeter's Craig Barber will try to beat the mark for most high-fives in 24 hours (3,121), but Monty Panesar could do that in five minutes. More impressively, Shaun Jones of Hoveton in Norfolk became the first man to squat-lift a million pounds in 24 hours (he managed 1,011,000lb). "At one time I was actually lifting when I was asleep," said the 50-year-old, who also holds a "world record" for bursting a hot water bottle with his breath inside 17 seconds – presumably not while he was sleeping. And some efforts are just pants. Gary Craig, 51, of South Tyneside is claiming a record for wearing the most pairs of pants, 211. But his reign as champion may be brief.
Good week for
Sania Mirza, Indian tennis player announces she will marry Pakistan cricketer Shoaib Malik across the political divide... Dale Mottram, Stoke fan avoids stadium ban after throwing a pie at a steward... and William Sichel of Orkney, became the fastest man over the age of 55 to cover 1,000 miles in a race – in 13 days, 20 hours, eight minutes, one second – in Athens aged 56.
Bad week for
Diego Maradona, Argentinian coach was bitten in the face by his Shar Pei dog Bela, requiring surgery on his lip... India's kabaddi team, 13 of whom were suspended from taking part in World Cup after failing drugs tests... and Genus football team in Brazil's Serie D, were pepper-sprayed when the referee called the police on to the field after he had sent off a player against Moto Club.
Sticklers of the week
If you've got a thick skin and didn't kick up a stink when the Cooper's Hill cheese-rolling was cancelled last month because of concerns about crowd safety, what about the decision to call off the Pooh Sticks World Championships at Little Whittenham, Oxfordshire, today? The spoilsports are back, saying the Thames is running too fast after the recent rains. Aren't those ideal conditions? But there are plenty of other attractions on offer this Easter, with world titles up for grabs in coal-carrying, "jarping" (like conkers but using eggs) and "clog-cobbing" (shoe-tossing). And there's the marbles world championships in Tinsley Green, Sussex, provided health and safety don't tell us we're losing them.