Outside Edge (07/02/10)

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The Independent Online

Super Bowl tickets are always at a premium, but few fans would make the sacrifice offered by an advertiser at craigslist.com desperate to go to tonight's game between the Indianapolis Colts and New Orleans Saints in Miami. "Will trade: Left testicle for Super Bowl tickets. High capacity, 0 negative, well maintained, larger than average, only used for 22 years. Will complete transaction after the game, No perverts!!!" A touch hopeful, that last request, and no word yet whether a deal has been struck. But if it has, both parties are sure to have a ball.


The year 'Global Slag Magazine' was founded. Sadly, it folded last week, despite all the recent signs that the slag industry is enjoying a boom. The publishers tell us that in future, eager seekers of slag news will have to make do with a section in 'Global Cement Magazine'.

Unfortunate resemblance of the week

Business is bad for Canh Oxelson at the moment. Not because he has a weird name, but because he works as a Tiger Woods lookalike. "I was supposed to be a stand-in for a commercial a week after [the scandal] all came out, and that never came to fruition," he says. "Since then, other people have pulled contracts off the table. I've had com-panies ask me if I'd do a parody of Tiger, but I don't want to pile on the guy." No such inhibitions at atom.com, who've devised a computer game called Tiger's Transgressions. The object: to knock out his mistresses with well-timed golf drives as they race to tell their story to the press. It's crass and juvenile, much like the man himself, but strangely addictive. Unlike Tiger, who's just strangely addicted.

Good week for

Jessica Ennis, the world heptathlon champion set a British indoor 60m hurdles record, beating the world title-holder... Jenny Jones, the snowboarder became the first Briton to win successive golds at the X Games... Danny Butterfield, scored a hat-trick in seven minutes for Crystal Palace to beat Wolves in an FA Cup replay... and Harry Redknapp, whose Arry's Orse won at Lingfield.

Bad week for

Avram Grant, Portsmouth's manager, photographed leaving a Thai "massage parlour" in the town... Shahid Afridi, the Pakistan all-rounder, banned for two games after biting the cricket ball during a game... Phil Taylor, beaten in a ranking darts event for the first time since 2008... and Melbourne's Moonee Valley Racecourse, forced to abandon an evening meet after 2,000 cockatoos chewed through floodlight cabling.

Big issue of the week

So it's farewell to Asashoryu. The 29-year-old sumo grand champion from Mongolia has retired after a drunken brawl which left a Tokyo nightclub manager with a broken nose. Asashoryu has previous, from pulling an opponent's hair to supplying a fake doctor's note to excuse him from a charity tournament, only to be spotted playing football. This means there's a vacancy in Japan's strictly regulated ranks of foreign sumoists, but the sport seems pretty moribund over here; the latest news posted on the British Sumo Federation website dates from 2007. And rumours that Ricky Hatton is thinking of piling on yet more pounds to make the switch are too frivolous even to mention.