Outside Edge (15/11/09)

Unbridled unpleasantness in sleepy Chiddingfold, Surrey, after a former international showjumper ran over a cyclist in his car on a country lane because he was hogging the road. Christopher Robertson, whose parents own a stud farm, was jailed for 33 months for hitting Leslie Smith, 66, and driving off. He cleaned his car, replacing a damaged number plate, and told a stable lad to tear down the police notices seeking witnesses. Robertson's mother Sue gave evidence for the prosecution, saying her son was "quite a bully". Robertson then tried to discredit the stable lad as a witness, claiming he was seeking revenge after his gay advances towards Robertson were rejected. What a stud.

5,000

Number of (unused) athletes' condoms left over from the Beijing Games to be auctioned in China. The packets read "Faster, higher, stronger" but there are no guarantees. You have to buy all of them. That would be an Olympian effort.

Spheres of influence of the week

A load of balls from the Danish Golf Association, who say that lost golf balls pose an environmental hazard, taking up to 1,000 years to decompose and releasing poisonous heavy metals. Hundreds of thousands of balls were found in Loch Ness when divers went looking for the Monster – no wonder he's nowhere to be seen. Jane Blaik of Princes Risborough, Bucks, has called on her local club, Whiteleaf, to rearrange its course after a stray ball killed one of her sheep, the inappropriately named Lucky. But revenge is at hand. A beaver escaped from the Paradise Wildlife Park in Broxbourne and knawed through a birch tree overlooking one of the greens at The Hertfordshire. It's a dam nuisance.

Good week for

Sinead and John Kerr, came second in the NHK Trophy in Japan, Britain's highest-ever placing in a grand prix ice-skating event... Sir Nick Faldo received knighthood from the Queen... and British mothers will receive £10m of Government funding to pay for childcare while they take part in sport.

Bad week for

Elizabeth Lambert, New Mexico Lobos centre-half banned indefinitely after film of her fouls against Brigham Young University became a massive internet hit... Dyrberg/Kern, Danish jewellers apologised to Manchester United after a press release for their range of club crest accessories seemed to encourage hooliganism... and Guiseppe Trimboli, vice-president of San Luca FC banned for a year after players wore black armbands to mark death of a local Mafia godfather.

Monkey nuts of the week

A Brazilian nutter has been impersonating the country's President Lula on African radio stations, describing Rio de Janeiro's plans for security at the 2016 Olympics. "Any part of the city where there is a problem will always have a monkey looking down from a tree," he told listeners amid a backdrop of gunfire. You'd have thought he would have been rumbled when he added they were building a pink, bulletproof motorway and using Israeli air force drones. Oh, the last part is true. He should take part in Thursday's World's Biggest Liar competition at Wasdale in the Lake District. Except that the World's Greatest Liar event is held on the same day in Nottingham. So which is the real one?

a.tong@independent.co.uk

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