This week's crap marketing campaign comes from Pura, manufacturers of cat litter. They are searching, for reasons known only to themselves, for Britain's best footballing cat. The winning owner will get VIP treatment for two at a Chelsea game, hosted by, wait for it, the Blues' goalkeeping legend Peter "The Cat" Bonetti. What next? Martin "Mad Dog" Allen and Edgar "Pitbull" Davids promote muzzles? Tony "Donkey" Adams extols the virtues of animal sanctuaries? If you really want to enter your moggy, send a video clip to email@example.com or phone 07787 567 166. When we called, though, we just got a voicemail. Probably having a cat nap at Pura that day.
Top speed of the McLaren F1LM, the fastest road car in the world. The racing team's chief, Ron Dennis, has promised Lewis Hamilton one if he wins three world championships. Hamilton's speed when stopped in France last year: 122mph, 41mph over the limit. Time to think again, Ron?
Lover not a fighter of the week
Boxing's on the slide in America, they say. Venues are vanishing all over the land, not least at the Glass City Gym in Toledo, Ohio, where thieves broke in last Sunday and stole the ring. The antics of one of the contestants in a recent bout in California wouldn't have helped either; possibly misunderstanding the meaning of the word "clinch", he planted a lingering kiss on his opponent's neck, leading to a clout on the break from his outragedfoe and a two-point deduction for "unsportsmanlike conduct". He was then knocked out. The amorous boxer's name: Trenton Titsworth. So it could have been worse.
Good week for
Brian Jensen, Burnley goalkeeper, saved a shoot-out penalty to put Chelsea out of the Carling Cup... Ben Ainslie, Britain's triple Olympic gold medallist, named as the World Sailor of the Year... Severiano Ballesteros, ailing Spanish golf legend, scheduled to leave intensive care this week... and India's cricket team, won the Test series against Australia 2-0 and thrashed England by 158 runs in the first one-day international.
Bad week for
Ian Poulter, English world No 25, withdrew from Singapore Open after his driver was stolen... Didier Drogba, Chelsea striker, charged by the FA with violent conduct after throwing a coin back into the Burnley crowd... Shaun Murphy, former world snooker champion, beaten in the first round of the Bahrain Championship by outsider Mike Dunn... and John Hollins, football manager, suspended by Weymouth.
Dopey court officials of the week
Olympic athletes normally hit the headlines for drug busts while they are still competing, but Hungary's gold medal-winner for wrestling at the 1992 Games, Peter Farkas, has bucked that trend. He was arrested with his brother Karoly for running a cannabis-growing factory, and when the case came to court in Budapest earlier this month he and Karoly were sent down for five and six years respectively. Their reaction was to scarper immediately: Karoly escaped the courthouse via a bathroom after feigning illness, and it is thought Peter strolled out through the front doors in the ensuing confusion. No word yet whether the court guards had been smoking the evidence.