If you're asked to leave a park football game after making homophobic remarks to the opposition, do you a) mutter: "I didn't want to play with a bunch of poofters anyway" as you walk off; b) seek counselling; or c) go and get a chainsaw before returning to try to chop the hands off a player who offended you. If c), you have a lot in common with Anthony Lloyd of Horley in Surrey, who fortunately was too drunk to do more than inflict a flesh wound on his victim while shouting, pretty accurately, it would seem: "I'm a crank!" The upshot? A year's suspended sentence, despite seven previous convictions for offences including weapons possession. Someone would appear to have been shafted, but it doesn't seem like it was the crank.
The number of seconds Chippenham Town's striker spent on the pitch after kick-off before being dismissed for a bad tackle. This is thought to be a world record. The opposition? Bashley. His name? David Pratt. I blame the parents.
Can-carrying of the week
With so many players behaving badly, it's hardly surprising that spectators are tempted into foolishness themselves. The latest half-witted pursuit comes from Philadelphia, where fans of the Eagles American football team enjoy beer can jousting in the car park before games. The rules are simple: drink 10 cans of beer, tape the empty cans together end to end, find an equally drunk friend, hop on his back and charge towards a similarly equipped (and drunk) foe. We say, stop this madness now – requiring anyone to drink 10 cans of American beer must surelybe classed as cruel and inhumane treatment.
Good week for
Hayley Turner, the first female jockey to ride 100 winners in a calendar year in Europe... Sir Chris Hoy, Britain's triple cycling gold medallist, knighted in the New Year Honours... Wild Oats XI, won a fourth consecutive Sydney-to-Hobart yacht race... and Scott Harrison, Scottish former world featherweight champion, released four months into an eight-month jail sentence.
Bad week for
John Daly, thirsty American golfer, suspended for six months by the USPGA for bad behaviour... Michael Vaughan, former England cricket captain, not selected for the tour to West Indies... and Ricardo Fuller, Stoke striker, sent off for slapping his own captain during the Premier League defeat at Upton Park.
Alternative employment of the week
Settling on a new career can be difficult for retiring sportsmen, but we're not sure Todd MacCulloch has made the right choice. The US basketball player's last contract was worth $34m, but since then four years as a professional pinball player (yes, they exist) have netted him... $700, and a world ranking of 85. The Reggina centre-back Bruno Cirillo also has his sights set on a new life pressing all the right buttons when he hangs up his boots; he is dreaming of becoming a porn star, and his nickname in the dressing room, "Donato" ["Gifted"], which has nothing to do with his on-field prowess, suggests he could prosper. But please, no jokes about scoring; it's so obvious.Reuse content