Outside Edge

Unsettling times for Frank Lampard; Katie Price has him in her sights. Discussing her future love life, the glamour artiste formerly known as Jordan philosophised: "There's quite a few little footies I'd do. I'd probably go back to Frank Lampard, finish what I started."

One tichy footballer unlikely to be on her to-do list is Joe Cole, Lamps's newly married Chelsea team-mate, but he has other things to ponder. Our man in Savile Row whispers that Cole's £4,000 mohair wedding suit was worked on in part by a West Ham fan, who felt the little footie had been disloyal in leaving the East London club. Surely suggestions that the inside of the jacket lining has the Hammers' crest chalked on it, along with the word "Judas", are absurd? Or is it a case of "Heigh-ho, silver lining"?

£30,000

The cost of cosmetic dentistry ordered by Chris Eubank to close the gap in his front teeth. "Before long nobody will be able to accuse me of having a lisp," he says. Tho there.

Sticky fingers of the week

Phil Mickelson, the nicely rounded American golfer, obviously has a sweet tooth. Why else would he be nicknamed "Figjam"? But his latest business venture causes further fears for his figure – he is bidding for a chain of 105 Waffle House restaurants. More toothsome news from this year's Tour de Donut, a 21-mile cycle race in Illinois in which riders have three minutes deducted from their time for each doughnut they eat en route. This year's winner, Regan Fackrell, managed a cheek-bulging 28 as he pedalled round in 1hr 10min 37sec, giving him an adjusted time of minus 13min 23sec. Some sugar rush.

Good week for...

Rachel Christie, the heptathlete niece of Linford, crowned the first black MissEngland... Tom Daley, became Britain’s first diving world champion when winning the 10m platform title in Rome.... Justin Langer, set a record total of first-class runs by anAustralian of 28,080, surpassing Donald Bradman...

Bad week for...

Harlequins rugby union club, fined £215,000 and had winger Tom Williams (left) banned for a year after he allegedly faked injury in last season's Heineken Cup quarter-final against Leinster... Sami Nasri, Arsenal midfielder, broke his leg in training... and the Newcastle United shop, where only three fans queued to buy the club's latest – lurid yellow – away strip the day it went on sale.

Ringing endorsement of the week

You may have missed the World Snail Racing Championship which was held at Congham in Norfolk last Saturday, though it's possible a few back-markers are still out on the course.

But there's always Finland's 10th Mobile Phone Throwing Championships on 22 August to look forward to. According to savonlinnafestivals.com: "Organizer was a translation and interpretation company Fennolingua. It's multinational personnel and many carneval spirited athletics threw away their frustrations along with the mobile phones... this is just so funny sport." Hmm... thanks for organising everything, chaps, but I think I'll take my translation work elsewhere.