The furore over swimsuits shows no sign of abating. First a German company invents a bikini that dissolves after a few seconds in the water.
It's the ideal revenge gift from a dumped boyfriend. Then a French muslim called Carole finds that her "burkini", a three-piece that allows her to swim without showing her body, has been outlawed at her local pool in Emerainville, near Paris, because it's unhygienic. Now Alton Towers has banned skimpy trunks for men on grounds of taste. The resort is also thinking of "introducing mandatory bikini waxing for men in a bid to prevent unsightly hair from being on display". But surely you can't take the pubic out of the great British public?
Number of minutes that it took Dennis Milsom of the Mid-Shropshire Wheelers to cycle 25 miles, the first time that an 80-year-old has beaten the "hour" time trial. Next day he did it all again – and shaved two seconds off his time.
Coddled mollies of the week
You have to feel sorry for our footballers, they lead such a hard life. Andrew Taylor of Middlesbrough has launched a website called Platinum Players which aims to stop his colleagues from getting ripped off when they go on their spending sprees, so outraged was he by the experience of trying to buy a sound system. But shouldn't there be some protection for fans who are getting fleeced in order to pay these players' outlandish salaries? Step forward Arsenal's Nicklas Bendtner, who has agreed to reimburse fans who bought his replica shirt after he decided to change his squad number from 26 to 52. Next he will be coughing up for all the chances he misses in front of goal.
Good week for...
Billie Jean King, former tennis player awarded Presidential Medal of Freedom by Barack Obama... Terry Cockell, won football chant of the year for his ode to Southend's Dougie Freedman, "Underground, overground, signed on a free, He's Dougie Freedman of SUFC...", sung to the tune of the Wombles... and Arlene Phillips, sacked 'Strictly Come Dancing' judge, will spearhead Government campaign to increase fitness through dance.
Bad week for...
Golf, lambasted by President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela as a "bourgeois" sport... Robert Kiserlovski, Croatian Olympic cyclist, is fined by police for riding too slowly and holding up traffic... Pakistan blind cricket team, world champions were refused visas to tour Britain... and Philip Barak, 74-year-old racing driver, was forced to quit after 53 years when his sponsor pulled out.
Screaming solos of the week
So farewell Les Paul, king of the electric guitar. And how appropriate that the World Air Guitar Championships will be held in Oulu, Finland this week. The event is proud of its Corinthian values, as double world champion Zac Munro testifies: "Air guitar is the last pure art form. There's no sponsorship. No one does it for the money." And as any soul-searching teenager in front of the bedroom mirror knows, there's a spiritual side, as espoused by the Airtistic Airdeology school. "It's like diving into a shark pool with pork pies strapped to your body," Munro adds. Then there is a philosophical side: "The contestant can use either an electric or an acoustic air guitar, or both." Take your pick.