Outside Edge

Hamburg HSV are the latest football club to offer their supporters a final resting place by opening a cemetery. Prices seem a bit steep, though: coffins in their blue-and-white colours cost £1,850, with urns £275. Perhaps they could follow the lead of the Dallas undertakers Irving's Chapel of Roses, who recently sponsored a local baseball game by staging a competition to win a £5,000 funeral. The contest consisted of a pall-bearer's race, a mummy wrap and a eulogy delivery; all done in the best possible taste. The victor, Elaine Fulps, a 60-year-old wearing a neck brace after her most recent operation, said: "I've almost croaked many times," but we trust she's in no hurry to claim her prize.

4,014

Number of chinese babies registered so far this year with the name Aoyun, which means Olympic Games. Number given the name Free Tibet: 0.

Substance abusers of the week

Once again cyclists on the Tour are thrown out after taking substances designed to help them achieve a better time. It's the same every year in the Tour de Donut, a 32-mile race in Illinois in which the riders have five minutes taken off their time for each doughnut they eat en route. The catch is that if you puke, you're disqualified. Last weekend the winner, Kevin French, managed 20 without mishap, which seems to qualify him for America's latest reality show, 'Hurl!', in which contestants stuff their faces before being spun round in a giant metal ball. Last person to vomit wins £500. Which is just sick.

Good week for

Aidan O'Brien, trainer, won his seventh successive Classic in Ireland with Moonstone in the Irish Oaks... Phillips Idowu, British triple jumper, set a world best for the season... Graeme McDowell, Northern Irish golfer, won Scottish Open to close in on Ryder Cup spot... and Mark Cavendish, first Briton to win four stages ina single Tour de France.

Bad week for

Dean Macey, injury-prone British decathlete, retired after failing to meet the Olympic qualifying mark... Sandy Lyle, former Open champion, abandoned this year's Championship at 11 over par after 10 holes... Harlequins rugby league team, had five players suspended after a brawl with Catalans Dragons... and Paris Hilton, American socialite, cold-shouldered by Cristiano Ronaldo after trying to chat himup in a Hollywood nightclub.

Phrasemakers of the week

So it's farewell to Dan Cook of San Antonio, the sports writer who in 1976 coined the phrase: "The opera ain't over till the fat lady sings." He has died aged 81, but his memory lives on, not least in 'The Little Book of Ollie'isms' (Green Umbrella, £7.99), a soon-to-be-published collection of quotations by football manager Ian Holloway. "The fat lady hasn't started to sing yet, but she has a mic in her hand," was his summing up of QPR's parlous financial state during his time there, though quite what he was summing up when he said: "If my auntie had balls she'd be my uncle" is anybody's guess.

s.redfern@independent.co.uk