Outside Edge

Not a great week for big, blond golfers. The artist Jack Vettriano, he of 'The Singing Butler', revealed that he was approached by National Galleries of Scotland to paint Colin Montgomerie's portrait, but declined because "I don't do men with breasts". Shame. In America, John Daly's man boobs had plenty of competition at a North Carolina branch of Hooters, a restaurant chain whose speciality is well-endowed waitresses. Perhaps that's why he drank so much he had to be carted off to the county jail to sober up for 24 hours. Hooters happen to be one of Daly's sponsors, but he has probably blown his chances of a job waiting tables for them when his golf career ends, mighty moobs or not.

300

The number of bouts journeyman pro Peter Buckley had fought before retiring on Friday night after a points win – his first victory since 2003. He shares a soubriquet, "The Professor", with Arsène Wenger, but the Arsenal manager wouldn't envy his final record: won 32, drawn 12, lost 256.

Pitch battle of the week

Disgraceful scenes at a football match in Glasgow last Sunday. A player hospitalised with six stud marks down his leg, punches thrown, the game abandoned by the referee after 55 minutes. Questions should be asked in the House, and the media. Hold on – what's that you say? Oh, I see: the two sides squaring up were composed of Scottish politicians and sports journalists (for the record, the MSPs were leading 6-2 before the proceedings were called off). The match was sponsored for charity by the beleaguered bank HBOS, but any attempt at weak jokes about another victim of the credit crunch will get short shrift here.

Good week for

Sergio Garcia, won his first European Tour golf title since 2005 on his home course... Philadelphia Phillies, won baseball's World Series for only the second time... Ericsson 4, broke the world 24hr distance record for a monohull yacht... and the Palestine football team, played their first game on home soil at the new West Bank stadium, drawing with Jordan.

Bad week for

Mark Foster, British Olympic swimmer, voted off 'Strictly Come Dancing' after a routine described as a "painful shambles"... Andy Priaulx, world touring car champion from Guernsey, lost any chance of retaining his title after crashing in Japan... Lesley Vainikolo, England rugby union wing, arrested after a fracas in Bath... and Bradley Pryce, Joe Calzaghe's sparring partner, put on the next plane home after landing in the US without a visa.

Foot-in-mouth performers of the week

David Cameron, Sir Alex Ferguson, Tracey Emin and the Duchess of York together – what's occurring? The answer is they all appear in 'Colemanballs 14', the annual compilation of sporting gaffes from 'Private Eye' (£4.99). This year's Mixed Metaphor Prize goes to snooker-loopy Steve Davis for: "When he gets among the balls he does the lemming thing like a kamikaze pilot and falls on his sword", while the Unfortunate Mental Image Award is a shoo-in for Sky Sports: "Andre Nel will not want to get up Shaun Tait's end, not with that finger". As Graham Taylor observed: "It sounds, in many people's eyes, silly."Now I must be off to lie down – my sides are splitting.

s.redfern@independent.co.uk