Sport on TV: And now for something completely different, Kev

 

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The Independent Online

After a solid week of feeling sorry for himself on every media outlet going - The Clare Balding Show, the Today programme, Ben and Holly's Magic Kingdom, you name it – Kevin Pietersen found himself facing the left-arm spin version of the cozy celebrity chat on The Graham Norton Show (BBC1, Friday) and was finally put back in his increasingly fetid cricket box.

He must have been tired by then. It happens to the long-term unemployed when they have to get up off the sofa. At least he has had a few other couches to sit on.

He was accompanied on the show by John Cleese and female crooner Taylor Swift – "surely the tallest sofa we've ever had," gushed Norton, who proceeded to be thoroughly dismissive of KP's tall tales.

As archly as is humanly possible, Norton asked the killer question of the week: "Do you ever think that maybe you weren't cut out for playing team sports?"

Talking of killings, they showed a picture of him at the start of his England career when he had that spikey black and white haircut, and it was a surprise that Cleese didn't ask about the dead parrot he seemed to be wearing on top of his head.

Another surprise was that none of the other guests started up a parody Twitter account about the cricketer during the course of the show. In truth, they simply didn't care enough. For the first time in a week, Pietersen just had to accept he wasn't the centre of attention, something which should surely come in useful for the rest of his life.

Cleese was far too interested in himself and Swift was bemused by the whole notion of cricket and its interminable "chest matches" – Neil Diamond thought they were chess matches, which really didn't help. At least he didn't launch into a version of his old classic, 'Done Too Soon'.

And who is this man called Flower that Pietersen keeps banging on about? It just served to show how much Kevin lives inside his own magic kingdom these days that he assumed everyone knew who he was talking about.

They even started discussing Kev's wife Jess and her long-ago career as a chanteuse with the popular beat combo Liberty X. You know things have gone too far when that's the main topic of conversation.

One wonders what career path lies in wait for Pietersen, apart from muttering into his beer in Wetherspoons. No wonder he is so keen to play for England again.

Soon he will be begging his fellow players to make funny comments about him. At least they know what they are talking about.

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